In response to the current drought crisis, California government officials have implemented a series of policy changes in hopes of alleviating the situation. “We know that trying to bring our reservoirs to the levels they once were is a lost cause, so we have decided to make moves to prepare for life without water.”
The most prominent effects of these changes can be seen in California’s education system. Without an increase in salary, English teachers across the state are now required to buy altered Merriam-Webster dictionaries without the word “water” in them. Similarly, elementary school teachers are being asked to remove “Aquamarine” and “Pacific Blue” colors from all Crayola coloring sets. A chemistry professor, who was asked to ignore questions about dihydrogen monoxide, remarked: “The best way to prepare for life without water is to pretend it never existed. That begins with the proper education of the future generation.”
These policy changes have demonstrated profound implications for the lives of all individuals, even beyond the common man. Kobe Bryant, the basketball superstar and advocate of hydrogen bonding, was outraged when he discovered that his team, the Los Angeles Lakers, would soon be renamed the “Los Angeles Dehydrators.”
“It doesn’t have the same ring to it, you know? It’s lacking something. I can’t quite put my finger on it.”
Scientists have also received extra funding from officials in Sacramento in order to find a way to preserve basic life necessities and make residents forget about H2O's existence. As a result of this initiative, a researcher at UC Berkeley has recently discovered that using ethanol instead of water can kill two birds with one stone:
“Given their similar molecular structures, it is surprising how much more efficient ethanol is than water is at cleaning things. Plus, ethanol is quite effective at causing temporary memory loss.”
With ethanol showers, a renewed education system, and a fired-up Kobe Bryant, California looks to take a water-less future by charge, one less drop of water at a time.