self love. not something i was ever very good at.

hell i'm still learning how to be good at it.

it's hard when you are constantly surrounded by people and things telling you your worth. it sucks.

i am always told that i need to stop being so hard on myself but it's not easy to be easy on myself when all i see is my life spiraling out all around me.

love is defined as something that makes you happy and something one can appreciate forever and ever.

i however see myself every single god damn day and feel the opposite.

my face, my skin, my hair, my body, my life.

they all make me unhappy and then i wonder if i'll ever know what self love really is.

it's so hard to dig yourself out of a mile deep hole you have been digging for yourself for the past 21 years of your life.

i am pale and average and i have cellulite and my stomach isn't flat and i don't have a nice ass and i don't eat well and i am behind in many things in life and that is when my mind continues to race over and over until i panic and can't stop it. I can't breathe and everything goes wrong and i feel like i am going to die.

self love is bullshit and it is not easy and it is oceans away from me as i lay trapped on an island of self doubt and regret and hatred for who i am and what my life is and i don't know what to do to change it.

i fear that as i grow older the self loathing will grow more and more and the self love will become an empty shell sitting, collecting dust on a shelf with all of my hopes and dreams until i die.

i beat myself up internally and i am my own worst enemy and i honestly wish that wasn't the case but this is just what i am used to. abuse. from myself. from my past. from the future ahead. it's what i'm used to and i wish that wasn't the case but it is.

i push myself to the edge and can never fully seem to jump, i get scared and wish i could just do it. just be completely and utterly happy with myself and who i am. to be the best, to be perfect and to hope for a day when i can be a guiding light for others.

self love is so much more than just appreciating and accepting who you are and what you look like.

it's not simple, or easy, or smooth. it's hard, it's difficult and it's jagged.

my own self expectations seem to be out of reach and not attainable and i keep going backwards.

my life is not the straight and narrow but rather a full on rollercoaster that i so much enjoyed as a child. now i ride them and become sick, much like when i think of my self love. it sickens me. it saddens me. it makes me dizzy.

and if anyone tells you that they completely and utterly love themselves unconditionally then they are a fucking liar.