Ladies, You Can't Just "Build-A-Boyfriend"

Ladies, You Can't Just "Build-A-Boyfriend"

Why we need to stop building up "the perfect guy" in our heads

I think we all remember going with our moms to build-a-bear for our birthdays or Christmas when we were younger. It was so much fun— we could choose a bear, how much to stuff it, how to dress, and a name. We got to choose everything about it and loved it because it was just what we imagined.

It was super expensive, but worth it because we got to make it!

Even though we are older I think we sometimes have this Build-a-Bear mentality with relationships. And it comes at a high price as well. Imagine if they created a "Build-your-own-Boyfriend store." I bet all of us ladies would rush there as soon as we could to create the man of our dreams. He would be charming and compliment us perfectly. But we have to remember, we are not creators, only God is.

Even though there's no physical build-a-boyfriend store, we often adopt one in our mind. We build up the perfect boyfriend in our head. We make checklists of exactly what we want in a guy. We try to build up his looks, his personality, his specific interests before we even meet him.

But I hate to break it to you-you can’t create someone, God is the only creator. Having bottom-line expectations for a boyfriend is good, such as you want someone who shares your faith and values. But we often think, "I want someone with abs" or "I want someone who will bring me flowers randomly" or "I want someone who is a really good cook." This is problematic, because when we do meet a great guy, we will want to change their clothes or inner stuffing to make them just like we desire. We may be closed-minded or pressure people into being what they are not.

My friends, that is not love. Loving someone is not changing them. Loving someone is accepting them where they are and mutually challenging each other. Yes, you can have basic expectations, but the beauty of being in a relationship is loving someone for who they are, without condition. My boyfriend talks about cars all the time, and even though they don't interest me, I try to keep up and learn because that's something that makes him, him. Also, I don't necessarily like when he has some road rage, but I sit there and choose to love him through that. Besides, if everyone found someone just like them, the world would be boring.

So, ladies, we need to stop having this unrealistic expectation of building up the perfect guy in our heads. Love is not found in the build a bear shop. God does much better than us anyway.

Cover Image Credit: Pinterest

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If Your Man Isn't Obsessed With You, Find You A New Man

Know your worth and move on.

OK, so maybe "obsessed isn't the right word," because personally, I am not trying to deal with some Edward Cullen, Mr. Grey or stalker shit (in real life, not as romantic as it sounds I'm sure). It is important to spend quality alone time, and not have a controlling, together 24/7 relationship because, trust me, I too am trying to lay on my bed, wrapped in a towel in solitude, after a shower, and watch three hours worth of baby sloth YouTube videos.

However, in a dating world full of swipe rights and double taps as flirting, it's hard not to settle for less than we should be receiving. Myself included, and my most beautiful, golden, "the-sunshines-follows-them-when-they-walk" friends, have settled for guys that treat them way less than mediocre. Perhaps we don't even apprehend what we are doing. Like in "Perks of Being a Wallflower," they say "we accept the love we think we deserve."

For example, you and your new guy hit it off pretty well at your first lunch date, and now you've entered an exciting, yet slightly anxious "talking stage." Now you're grabbing froyo with your gal pal and you're filling her in on your new guy. You tell her about your date, how great, funny, smart he is and how well things are going.

Two or maybe three weeks later, you and your friend catch up again. She hears all about the same guy, and but there's a sticky situation, a little doubt in your mind present: "Do you think he likes me?" When the initial nerve-racking, yet giddy talking stage is over, you and your new guy may be more comfortable with each other. Maybe you're both trying to establish if this is going to go any further or if it ends here.

However, by this point, the two paths should be clear and concise. "Maybe he is bad at texting?" Sure, no one has to be up each other's butts all day and ending the millennials' phone addiction isn't a bad thing, but if he isn't responding to your plans or seeing how your day was at all — he just isn't that into you. "He told me he is really spontaneous, he hates sticking to plans.."

Yeah, I love getting vanilla ice cream cones down by the beach at 2 a.m. too, but if he bails on your date 30 minutes before to hang with his friends — he just doesn't care. The harsh truth, believe me, I know, but if you're wondering if he likes you, time to ditch. If he likes you, you'll know. If you're worth his time, he will make the effort. If he cares, he will wish you Merry Christmas, or good luck on your exam. And if not, don't ask yourself the question, "does he like me" but instead ask, "what's not to like?" His loss, move on and accept you deserve better.

The first step to finding genuine, true love is knowing your worth.

Don't settle for 3 a.m. texts.

Don't go over to his apartment when he hasn't answered you all day. Tell him to take the 10-minute drive to yours, instead of going to his place every night. If he doesn't want to? I guess he didn't want to see you that much.

Don't settle for a someone who keeps calling it on and off just because they "aren't sure" if you're the one — instead, realize they aren't the one for you.

I am not concurring that we all need to be demanding, interrogating, bossy, narcissistic or high maintenance at all. In fact, this goes both ways, guys should know their worth too.

Don't accept any guy that will play with your feelings, hurt you in a vicious, endless cycle, or treat you anything less than how you would want to be treated. A relationship goes both ways. You are equals. If your man is obsessed with you, he will want to make you smile. He will know the value of spending time together, but also giving you your space and time apart.

Love is patient and love is kind. Love should energize you and make you feel alive, not drain you of who you are. Love is understanding of mistakes and knows we are only human. Love is sacrifice and knowing there is any other person out there whose happiness is just as important as there own.

So if you're second-guessing if he's into you, if he is genuine, if he is putting in the effort, then tell that boy "bye," and as Beyoncé would say, "Partner, let me upgrade you."

Cover Image Credit: Olivia DeLucia

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13 Changes Every Girl Experiences When They Go From Single To Cuffed

1. Answering my phone

Different relationships bring different changes to life.

Whether it's gaining a best friend or a boyfriend, everyone needs to adjust to start including this new person into their life. For me, I never expected to get a boyfriend in college, but now that I'm here I've had to make those adjustments and learn what it's like to be in a relationship with someone.

Some of the changes were expected, like having to go out to dinner, but some were a little more subtle.

1. Answering my phone.

Anyone that texts me knows that I am probably one of the worst texters ever. I'm extremely guilty of being one of those "oh I'll read this now but respond in a minute" texters, but then never actually responding because I get too distracted. This habit isn't exactly great when I forget to answer my boyfriend's texts for an hour...

2. Scheduling my week.

Knowing my week ahead of time has actually made me a better planner, but it's been weird trying to schedule in plans with my boyfriend because, well, I've never had to do that before. I obviously enjoy spending time with him or going out to dinner together, but it's just an added step in my week.

3. Not worrying about who my date will be to functions.

Not panicking about who I'm going to ask or whether or not it'll be weird if I get set up is honestly such a relief.

4. Spending money on gifts.

I guess holiday season is cuffing season for a reason, right? Spending money on gifts definitely made a dent to my bank account, but it was worth it.

5. Trying to find the right gift.

Honestly, what do guys even want? A wallet? Cologne? A jersey? I'm horrible in this department and my boyfriend's answer of "Anything will be nice," really doesn't help my indecisive mind.

6. Opening up and actually expressing emotions.

I'm a big fan of putting up an emotional wall and letting no one cross it, even though I know that's not exactly the best practice. But, getting a boyfriend has forced me to (reluctantly) start to open up to someone else and not keep my thoughts trapped in my mind, which has admittedly helped me in the long run.

7. You see different sides of their friends

Now that I'm officially dating my boyfriend, I obviously see his friends more than before. I think they've started accepting me in some sort of way, because hearing their stories and seeing what actually goes on in their friend group is eye-opening in so many weird ways.

8. Creating a balance between friends and boyfriend

Sometimes it's hard to find time to breathe let alone make plans with my best friends and my boyfriend. Finding this balance is harder at some times than others, but both parties understand if I can't be with them for a night.

9. Some things get way more fun when you do them together

Watching a funny movie? Driving around and singing horribly together? Making fun of that other couple that's sitting on the same side of the booth? Much funnier.

10. Watching people's reactions when you tell them you're dating someone

My friends literally thought I was joking when I told them for the first time and started laughing.

11. Having someone to tag in funny memes about psycho girlfriends

I can tag my boyfriend so he can see how lucky he is that I'm sooo much less psycho than everyone else!!! I'd highly recommend.

12. Suddenly remembering that your S.O. doesn't know all of the weird sh*t from your past... like high school.

This is dangerous territory. I thought I was done going through this when my roommate found my embarrassing Facebook pics freshman year, but I guess not.

13. Having big sweatshirts to wear!!

I waited a solid amount of time before breaking the news to my boyfriend that he wasn't getting his sweatshirt back. Even though he still complains, I think he knows I won that battle.

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

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