When I was ten years old, I lost one of the most important people in my life. My oldest brother. My brother was eighteen years older than me, and he left for the air force the year I was born. I would only see him every few years. The only memories I have of him is when he’d come home late in the night and sit on the couch for hours telling stories to my parents and our siblings. I don’t have a lot of memories with him, but the ones I do have are vivid. I never got to know my brother, I only get to know him through the stories my family and his friends tell me. 

I’ve gone eight years without my brother. At times it doesn’t seem like he passed that long ago, but at times it feels like a lifetime. I was ten years old when I lost my brother. And it has affected me every single day of my life. Paul wasn’t there for my sixteenth birthday, the day I went to prom, the day I turned eighteen, or the day I graduated. And to realize he also won’t be there for when I graduate from college, I get married, or when I eventually have a child. There are so many events my brother will be missing from not only my life, but also everyone he knew. Yes, I do have two other loving brothers, but each is different from the other. I will not have any experiences to share with Paul as I do with my other siblings. 

The way my brother’s death has affected me is in more ways than one. I had to grow up fast, much faster than my peers. When I eleven years old, I flew out to Las Vegas with my family for the trial. I was eleven years old when I spoke in front of judge and in front of the woman who killed my brother. I had looked her in the eyes, and I saw no remorse. I had spoken about how his death and her poor decisions broke my family and I. How could an eleven year old possibly do such a thing and not grow up from that. 

What I’ve learned from my brother’s death is to cherish everyone you have in your life. Be grateful every time you get to see them, because you never know when the last time you see them is. Say “I love you” to them, even if you’re seeing them the next day. Make memories that last a lifetime. Don’t think about the “what ifs”, just spend time with the people you love. Appreciate what others do for you, appreciate that these people are in your life and that they care for you.

I think about my brother often, I think about the person I’ve become because of him. Unfortunately my brother and I won’t have a relationship, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to make him proud everyday. I know Paul is looking after me. I know Paul is proud of me. He wouldn’t want my life to be over because his is.