My brother... who are you?

I think I just realized why I feel like I can’t talk to my brother.

Growing up, all he did was judge me and refuse to talk to me about anything. So now when I want to tell him about my life and the things I want to do, I get nervous. I guess I don’t know how to talk to him anymore because he feels the same way-- like he can’t talk to me. Have I ever judged him? I don’t remember if I did; even if I did, I don’t think he took me seriously. I want him to be proud of me and to see that I’m doing well but he chooses to see my past. He chooses to see the bad things I used to do and constantly judges me for the small things.

Brother... get over yourself.

I don’t do it to be an outlaw; I do it because I am depressed. I don’t know how many times I’ve woken up and thought that no one cared. I have anxiety-- about literally everything. I overthink the smallest things and I really don’t want to, but it happens. It surprises this and genuinely calms me down. Yeah, I could go see an expert, but you know we don’t have the money for that. Something happened after dad passed and I hate it. It’s constantly in my head and I don’t even know how to shut it up.

Brother, we are the last of our father.

We are his blood, we are together. I love you so incredibly much and I know deep down you love me but I can’t lose you. So can we be friends again? Could you and your girlfriend not judge me so much? I am a good and genuine person. I have learned to love myself, by myself. Mom had a lot to do with it too, being such an amazing role model for us. Dad too, of course. I guess I just want you to know that I want a relationship with you where I could text you about a problem and we work through it together, or if something funny happens I can snap you and you laugh too.

Please tell me if I come off as if I’m judging you. That is the last thing I want you to think because I am so proud of you. You have done so much with your life and the experiences you have and the way you love God is just utterly amazing. You are a role model in my life because you love the Lord like Dad did. You are a perfect, spitting image, of him-- even so that your hugs almost make me cry because you remind me of him so much.

I love you brother and honestly I hope you never read this because I’ll eventually talk to you about it (and luckily you don’t usually read my articles so we’re good there!). I love you and I can’t wait to see how your future unfolds and how God blesses you through the rest of your life.