Today My Heart Broke, But For The First Time, It Did Not Break Me
Start writing a post

My life has ended and begun again many times. Every time you called me a name, or screamed at me, or pushed me too far, it was crippling. My heart ached and my chest continued to heave until the words "I'm sorry baby I wasn't thinking" stumbled out of your mouth. "Do you mean the things you say when you're mad?" I ask through muffled sobs. You always have the same answer. "No baby I'll do better. I want to figure out how to talk things through with you better." And as much as I want to believe that…

You lie. The lies flow out of your mouth like Niagra Falls and they are drowning me. "She's like my sister," you say through teeth gritted shut like barbed wire on a fence because you know what you have to hide. I show my receipts, all my proof, and I am still your enemy. I am still the one who hurt you and I always will be. The nights I have spent coated in my tears because you don't matter because no matter what, it will be my fault. You fucked another girl? My fault because we were distant. My fault because I have an attitude. My fault because I am not what you want, so you go look elsewhere. All in the name of loving me, right?

You're so in love with me that I can't post the pictures I want, right? I'm a slut if another man is attracted to me? You're oh so in love with me that if I breathe the same air as another man I'm cheating, right? That's what love is. Distrust, anger, unfaithfulness, control, that's what it means to love, doesn't it?

No, that is not love. I believe that in your altered-reality loving mind you believe you love me, but I don't think you know love and what it means. I know love. I know that it is good and kind and peaceful. Did you hear that? It is peaceful. I know you want a woman who is your peace. But you brought me nothing but chaos. Why would I bring you peace if you constantly brought a raging tornado to mine? Why doesn't my peace matter to you if you love me? I will be a man's peace one day, but it will be a man who deserves me. A man who supports me for nothing in return. There is no part of you that came without a cost…

A cost to my health, my well-being, my grades, my career, my friends, my family; you cost me my entire life daily and I still loved you. But I am the one you blame. And if I'm being honest, maybe I'm okay with that. Because I don't blame myself for anything that happened between us. I never had you without sharing you with another woman. Anytime I was cruel to you or unfair in the slightest, it was in response to what you did to me. You gaslighted me into a burning fire of a person.

Maybe I am meant to be a fire. I am a burning passionate, strong woman. I was meant to create fire and storms. YOU should have been the one to balance me out. But that's the thing: it was never about me. This is about you. The way you treated me is not a reflection of me, but a reflection of you.

You have broken my heart many times and every time it destroyed me, and that shouldn't be the case. This time you broke my heart, but it didn't break every bone and tear every muscle in my body along with it. And I will never let a man break me down so much again.

I know you well enough to know you won't read this, but just in case you do, know this: I loved you. I always loved you. You were my first everything, and I will not forget you, but I will certainly let you leave my conscious thought. I never mattered to you in the way I should've because you always mattered to you more. And that is okay. Maybe now you'll understand that when I said, "I love you more" I meant it, and when you said it, it was just another little lie.

I love(d) you more.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

23 Pandemic-Approved Date Ideas That'll Send Sparks Flying From Six Feet Apart

There's a safe way to date right now and yes, it includes masks.


While some people would rather opt out of dating altogether during the pandemic so they don't have to wear a mask on a first date, others are choosing to listen to both guidelines and their heart in order to find love during the time of coronavirus (COVID-19).

Should you be one of the individuals welcoming romance right now, there are pandemic-approved dates you can go on that still adhere to guidelines (and yes, you'll have to wear a mask).

Keep Reading... Show less

I didn't believe the notification when it came through to my phone: Ruth Bader Ginsburg had died from complications due to cancer.

Keep Reading... Show less

In our patriarchal society, men hide from their feelings, but toxic masculinity is literally killing men. They swallow the pain and move on so that they can look, feel, and act "tough."

But, strength is derived from asking for help and voicing your struggle and, trust me, working on your mental health is one hell of a struggle. The real way to "man up" is to acknowledge the downfalls in unjust societal norms. Mental health problems do not mean that a man is weak, they are neurologically-based disorders that require professional treatment.

Keep Reading... Show less

11 Things Your Boyfriend Should Do Before He Drops $499 On A PS5

Let's start with spending less time gaming and more time with you.


Scrolling through Twitter this week had me rolling on the floor laughing as I read some of the hilarious tweets from ladies who, whether in a relationship or not, shared reactions to the news that PlayStation 5 is on its way

As this "buy your boyfriend a PS5" joke takes off across the internet, let's just say, there are a few things your BF should be doing before dropping $499 on the new gaming system — or, if the tweets are real for some, before you buy it for him as a gift.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

Sorry, But 'I Don’t Care About Politics' Is Not A Valid Excuse For NOT Voting

The younger generation of voters is so crucial to the upcoming election because our vote is going to shape the world that we are about to enter as adults.


When I ask my friends if they are voting this term most of them respond with "no" followed by an explanation of "I don't care enough," "It doesn't affect me," or "I don't keep up with politics," etc. I get it, as a college student I know that there are many other things to be concerned about like school, relationships, work, and friends. I also understand that keeping up with politics can seem like trying to keep up with an over-exaggerated reality show that has way too many seasons. Not to mention most news stations and websites are biased so it's hard to decipher if what you hear is true or fake.

However, despite all of this annoyance, as the next generation of Americans, we have to remember that we owe it to ourselves, our families, and to our futures to care.

Keep Reading... Show less
Tasia Sli

Tasia Sli and Anna Yang met in quintessential New York fashion at a chic rooftop event, inquisitive Yale grad Anna gravitating towards model/entrepreneur Tasia.

Keep Reading... Show less
Photo by Anna Hernández-Buces

"Do you have big parties on Cinco de Mayo?"

Keep Reading... Show less

Two of my favorite things in life are reading and books. Obviously, they go hand-in-hand. In my life, I've realized that there is nothing better than learning about the current world or getting fully immersed in another world. Reading can inspire, teach, and entertain you.

For me, the feeling of opening a book and smelling that fresh book smell can't compete with anything else.

Keep Reading... Show less

Expecting mother and wife to singer/songwriter John Legend may have accidentally slipped up and revealed the gender of her and Legend's third baby today on her Instagram story.

Keep Reading... Show less

20 Books About Latin And Hispanic Heritage Absolutely Everyone Should Have On Their Bookshelf

Any ally of the community needs to be reading these incredible reads.


I go through phases when it comes to what I like to read. I am typically reading two books at any given time: one serious nonfiction and one escapist fiction novel to have on hand and open up depending on my mood.

What remains consistent, however, amongst most of my fellow bibliophiles is a desire to try new and different authors and genres. I, as an Indian woman, have been partial to reading books written by fellow Indian and Desi writers since I first got a library card.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

I Asked 46 Women What They Thought About The Term 'Plus-Size', And Here's What They Had To Say

It's 2020, where change is inevitable and norms are not only questioned, but challenged.


We live in a world where it's become customary to push boundaries, break rules, and question standards upheld by society. Though try as we might, some of these standards are harder to conquer than others — body image is one of the top contenders.

For years, the body positivity movement has pushed for the acceptance of all marginalized body types not represented or celebrated in the media. Recently, we've gotten better at appreciating and accepting all body types, but one thing that's still lingering is the stigma of body image in the fashion industry — more specifically, the term "plus-size."

Keep Reading... Show less

Many popular TV shows are holding off premiers until spring, so most people are relying on their television subscriptions to get them through a socially distant fall semester.

Thankfully, Netflix was busy filming this past year because there is a ton of new original content coming in the near future. From mysteries to romances, here are some of the best new shows you have to check out this year:

Keep Reading... Show less

Taylor Swift Sang 'betty' At The ACMs And It Was The Perfect First Live 'folklore' Performance

I guarantee that Inez is spreading rumors about how fire this performance was.


The Academy of Country Music Awards were last night and the performances were wonderful, but Taylor Swift's live version of "betty" from her newest album "folklore" really took the cake for me.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

9 Reasons I Unfollowed All The Fitness Influencers On My Instagram Feed

I don't need to feel bad about myself because of who I follow on social media.


Throughout quarantine, something that a lot of us picked up on was working out. With all the free time, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to work on that "dream bod" you've been wanting for years, or to just feel good about yourself.

A common way to stay motivated and keep yourself on-task is to follow fitness influencers on various platforms. For some people, yes, this can be a healthy and helpful way to keep your drive. In other cases, however, this can do more harm than good.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments