We’ve all been there: it’s Tuesday afternoon and you’re riding high after making a wisecrack at Tommy “3 Nipples” Horowitz. “What are you, the son of that three-breasted alien from Total Recall?” you asked to uproarious laughter.

It’s weird that you, a fifth grader from rural Pennsylvania, had that reference in your back pocket, but whatever. You’re higher than the sky and nothing could take you down. Until… what’s that you hear outside your window?

Boink boink boink… boink boink boink… boink boink boink…

It’s Cashews Jefferson and the Salem Boys! There they go, sauntering down the street, bouncing their balls in everyone’s faces. Look at them go: each bounce only seems higher than the last. One ball, two balls, a red ball, some blue balls. Enjoyed your fifteen minutes of fame? You’re dirt now. You can never reclaim the glory of the past. Unless you pick one of the balls below...

1. A Crystal Ball

Think of this as your classic ball bouncing starter kit: your ball might not bounce the highest, but you’ll shine for all the world to see. Place it on a table and tell the fortunes of all your friends. Amaze them with your psychic knowledge! I’m only kidding, of course. Gather the neighborhood children tightly around you and bounce the ball on the ground as hard as you can.

2. A Magic 8 Ball

Remember to always ask the Magic 8 Ball if you may have permission to bounce it before you do anything. Receive anything other than a sure yes and you stay away from that thing. No questions asked. The magic of old is best left untested.

3. Lonzo Ball

Los Angeles Lakers rookie sensation Lonzo Ball may not be your typical bouncing ball. That’s because he has brothers! Collect the whole set and bounce them on the basketball court in unison. If Lonzo has any objection to the bouncing, remind him of the terror that Cashews Jefferson has inflicted on your small town: shaving the town priest, desecrating the old watering hole, and the cat massacre. Lonzo is sure to be on your side!

4. Lance Armstrong’s Missing Teste

Perhaps the bounciest and most elusive ball on this list, Lance Armstrong’s Missing Teste is no easy ball to find. Rumor has it the bicyclist himself keeps it under lock and key in a secret dungeon beneath his home. Solve his riddles, though, and you’ll be on your way to bouncing that ball all over the Salem Boys!

5. A Rubber Ball

All things considered, this is probably the best choice.