Body Image. A term used to describe how every individual views their bodies. Unfortunately, very few people can actually say that they’ve never wanted to change something about their physical appearance and have always loved how they look. Society has always pressured both men and women to look a certain way, and the standards for the “perfect body” have changed practically with every decade. While men do receive their fair share of criticism and body image issues, women’s bodies have always been the more popular target in society. We’re either too fat, too thin, too curvy, too straight-cut, etc. Only now in 2017 are curvier, more “average-sized” women being celebrated publicly, with models like Iskra Lawrence and Ashley Graham gracing billboards and fashion magazines. And let’s not forget the more realistic Barbie dolls that have recently been put out on the market. However, this hasn’t magically made the poor body image epidemic go away, as many young women and men still feel as if their whole world revolves around the number on their scale. What’s even more alarming is how good many of those suffering are at hiding it, going about their daily lives as if everything’s perfectly fine while on the inside they’re constantly battling their negative image of themselves. Unfortunately, for a period of time, I was also one of those people.

I was never in-shape as a child/teen. My weight didn't actually concern me until 8th grade. I realized that my hips were way wider than those of my female peers and that nothing fit me right anymore. I was beginning to become self-conscious since I wasn't able to wear those oh-so-popular Hollister short shorts (insert head shake and eye-roll) like the other girls my age were because my thighs and butt were too large for that narrow cut. Or how in my dance class, my teacher would always order me the biggest size in leotards and costumes, making me feel so insecure next to my wispy classmates. My reflection in those dance studio mirrors made me cringe and become filled with anger and jealousy. These awful emotions carried over into high school and greatly affected my social life. I began to really hate how my two skinny friends could wear anything and eat whatever they wanted and still be thin as a rail. Because of this sheer jealousy, I didn't want to hang out with them as much, which I now look back on with shame and regret.

Senior year of high school was the hardest for me. That year, I was at my highest stress and anxiety levels due to quitting field hockey, fighting with friends, dealing with boy drama, and applying to college. I began to eat my feelings. I would come home from school, grab whatever I could from the kitchen, and gorge in front of the T.V. Looking back now, I wish I had channeled this stress and anger into something productive like exercising or picking up a hobby like painting or singing, not eating my weight in chips. It didn’t hit me how much weight I had gained until prom season (oh the prom, cringes). I went with my mother to the prom store to buy a dress that I had saved a picture of in my phone for months. I grabbed the size I thought I still was, only to find that I needed two sizes up. Graduation day was worse. I couldn’t even zip my once favorite white jeans that I had planned to wear for the ceremony. Luckily my graduation gown hid that. That’s when it hit me; I, no one else, let myself get this way and in turn, I started to hate myself for it.

I was dreading my annual check-up at the doctors that summer. I was weighed and literally came face-to-face with a number for the first time in my life. This was the starting point of my struggle with the scale. I knew I had to change, so that summer I decided enough was enough and that I wanted to drop the weight. I researched diets and various exercises and bought some new workout clothes. I thought I was exercising enough but I just couldn’t break my poor eating habits and thus made no progress. However, when I arrived at college I made a solid promise to myself that I would get in shape once and for all. Proudly, I can say that I did that year, dropping twenty pounds, but there was a price to pay for that.

Yes, I was eating better and exercising, but I had become obsessed with weight-loss. I loved seeing the number on my scale drop pound-by-pound practically every week and being able to wear my once-tight clothes again. But instead of letting my friends, classes, and activities bring me joy and fulfillment, I let my scale decide that for me. If I was up a pound one day I would be mad that whole day, and if I was down a pound one day I would be happy that day. This, I now know, was very unhealthy and a horrible way to live. If only my 18-year-old self knew that. Instead of consuming a healthy, balanced diet, I allowed my diet to consume me, controlling my happiness and self-esteem. When I would go home for breaks I would get angry if I wasn’t able to work out or eat the way I had been at school. I fought so much with my parents over this which I now regret wholeheartedly.

Three years have passed since then and I can proudly say that I’ve successfully overcome these debilitating, unhealthy issues and now focus on being fit and healthy. I’ve stopped weighing myself and instead I go by how I look and feel, which alone has brought so much happiness and control back into my life. I can enjoy my favorite foods again without feeling guilty and I don't even care anymore if I look “puffy” some days. Now I love exercising for how it makes me stronger and healthier and I no longer see it as a chore. I've filled my life with so many amazing people, activities, and experiences that I don't even give my weight much of a thought anymore. Last of all, I've learned that it’s okay to not fit into my once goal-pants-size since it only means that my body has grown into the form it was meant to be.

Looking back, I’m horrified at how awful I treated myself and how I let one stupid, unimportant number on a stupid, metal device define my self-worth and attitude. All a scale shows is your gravitational pull to Earth, not your grades, talents, or impact on others. Please, if you are struggling right now with your body image and letting your scale determine your happiness and self-esteem, know that this is just a dark storm that will pass with time and patience. Here are some things that I wish someone had told me back then that I hope will help you:

1. Stop comparing yourself to others, their bodies are unique and no individual metabolism is the same.

2. Stop working out to meet some societal standard, work out because it makes you feel good and healthy.

3. Enjoy your meals, don’t dread them. What’s life without good food?

4. Eat the cookie, for goodness sake!

5. Your friends and family will love you no matter your size.

6. 20 years from now, you won't remember what size you were when you were making these now treasured memories.

7. You’re only this young once, why waste it being miserable trying to change yourself?

Lastly, talk about these struggles with those you trust. People are willing to help and can pick you up when you've fallen down. You may also learn that you're not alone with how you feel. I hope that through sharing my story that I was able to help some of you. Remember, you don't have to go through anything alone. Stay strong.