I don't want to be bi.

It's bad enough I was raised to believe that

Straight was good

And everything else wasn't.

It's bad enough that when I came to college

I was severely uncomfortable

By anything that wasn't straight.

But as I have gotten to know myself better

I have realized

I'm for damn sure not straight.

And I started to look back at my life

My growing up

Beyond the depressive fog

And anxiety attacks

That I usually think about

When I look back.

In kindergarten

I was playing dolls with a girl and three boys

The girl whispered to me

That she wanted to kiss one of the boys

And I just shrugged

Because I didn't think any of them were cute

But I daydreamed about kissing her

For the rest of the day.

And I told myself it was

Just because we were friends.

In second grade

A boy with long hair broke his leg

And I had a massive crush on him

I wanted to hold his hand so badly

But the thought of his lips on mine

Made my stomach churn

Even though I thought he was so cute.

And I told myself it was

Just because we were friends.

In grade three

I played house on the playground

With another girl

She insisted on playing my daughter

But I kept thinking

How much more fun it would be

If we pretended to be married

Maybe I could get away with kissing her.

And I told myself it was

Just because we were friends.

From there it gets blurrier right now

Between the anxiety and depression that

No one thought I could have.

But then came high school.

My sophomore year

My chemistry partner was bisexual

And we were partnered in the right class

Her laugh made my days brighter

I daydreamed of kissing her

But I was so damn scared to not be straight.

I told myself the daydreams were

Just because we were friends.

My seventeenth birthday

I was single

But two weeks later I decided to ask a boy out

He was quiet and he liked shamrock shakes

I loved when he was

On top of me on the couch

The pressure between my thighs

But his kisses never turned me on.

I told myself this was because

We were young and not good at kissing.

I dated a handful boys

I liked how some kissed more than others

It happens

I accepted this

I put out of my mind

All those daydreams of girls' lips

Because I was straight

Right?

I liked boys

That was it.

Turns out

I didn't want to be bi.

I still don't want to be bi

But I have accepted it.

I don't want to listen

As people tell me I'm confused

Or that I'm lying

Or -my favorite- bisexuality doesn't exist.

I don't want my family to no longer accept me.

I don't want to be told that

By dating my boyfriend

I'm picking a side.

I don't want to be invisible

I already was all through school

I don't want to be considered a cheater

Or sexualized and asked about threesomes.

I'm just me

I wish I were straight

It'd be easier

For me and those around me.

I don't want to be bi.

But I am.

I've accepted that

So there's no reason you can't as well.