Contrary to what some may think, the birthday of someone who passed is not a happy day. It's "better" than the day of their passing (because that day is the worst) but it's not like you throw a birthday party with cake and presents, and celebrate their life because they no longer can. It's just a day. An empty, lonely day.

Adam Henry, July 3rd would have been your sixteenth birthday. You probably would have been excelling in math like daddy and had as many friends as mommy. You would have been learning to drive, enjoying the summer before your junior year of high school, and playing basketball in the driveway with Jack. I really wish you could have met Jack. He's the most spectacular ray of sunshine- and he's even taller than me now. The three of us would have been a power team.

Until recently, I have never actually seen a full rainbow before. I've seen little shards of colorful stained glass through the clouds but I've never found one that stretches out completely right in front of me. Over the last week, though, my eyes have spotted the most amazing watercolors, proudly splashed across the sky for all to see. If that doesn't make you believe in the universe then what will?

I like to think that rainbows and bright stars and pretty sunsets are little messages sent directly from you to me. A small "hello" or "I'm proud of what you accomplished today". Of course, you and I also have all sorts of little signs with the color orange and the timing of numbers. When I get signs like this, I try to take a deep breath and remind myself to trust my heart, my dreams, and my story. As my guardian angel, you have taught me so much about myself and you have brought me closer to our family. I have such an appreciation for Jack Henry. We enjoy getting food and playing video games, but my favorite is staying up late together, giggling and talking about life. He's a rare gem, an explosion of love, and a true blessing.

One night, Jack told me that he felt like he couldn't miss you. Not in the way that mommy and daddy and I do. I asked him why he felt that way and he said because he knows you came and left before his time, so the secondhand pain he felt in his heart could not be validated in the same way. I told him I never wanted him to feel like he couldn't miss you. We all share the pain together; we all laugh and cry and love and hurt together. That's what we do. And we always will.

And so, it's days like this where we just have to be lonely together too. Your birthday isn't a happy day. But it is a day to be together with those closest to you, who will support you and get you through the day. Keep busy or do absolutely nothing, but either way know that heaven is watching. Adam Henry, I know you are watching over our family and more than anything I wish I could fly up there and give you sixteen birthday kisses. Someday, my darling. Until then, I will see you in the rainbow and wave to you in the stars.

To the moon and back, no matter what.

XOXO

Your big sister