It's a lot like a breakup.
Sometimes I go days without thinking about you. And sometimes I'm driving home at night, and a song comes on the radio that we used to blast in the car while driving to parties, or dance around in our dorm room to, and it all comes flooding back. Sometimes it almost feels like I'm back in that moment, with you.
You were my best friend in college. My roommate. My rock. You brought me home to your family for Easter. Every night with you was a fun sleepover. We stayed up too late talking and eating Cheez-it's and watching serial killer documentaries on Netflix.
We did our homework together, we ate our meals together, we went everywhere together. We spent many nights ordering pizza in and singing along to old Taylor Swift music videos. We would have done anything for each other. And I still would.
The way you ended our friendship was incredibly painful, because you dragged it out over a few months. As soon as you got a boyfriend, I was demoted in your life's priorities. Slowly, you stopped eating meals with me. You stopped answering my texts. You stopped caring about me.
When I came crying to you after a breakup, all you could say was "oh" before leaving the dorm, and I didn't see you for days. And then, you stopped talking to me completely.
But not only did you abandon me in my time of need, you began to disrespect me. You talked about me behind my back. You turned our "friends" against me. You actively excluded me from what used to be our friend group. You ignored me in public. You un-friended me on social media. And that's when I knew our friendship was over.
I went home one weekend and was watching my favorite movie, "The Great Gatsby" when I received the first text from you in weeks, informing me that you were moving out next week.
I was shocked. You had made it clear you didn't like me anymore, but I didn't expect you to leave me and move across campus in the middle of the semester. I guess I was just that horrible to be around. I wondered aimlessly where my best friend had gone.
When I got back to campus the next day, I unlocked the door to find all of your stuff completely gone. Our dorm never looked so empty, and I never felt so empty. I tried to hide the pain, but I was heartbroken. It felt like I had been broken up with.
That's when I noticed that not only did you un-friend me on all forms of social media, you also blocked me. I was floored when I went to your Twitter page and read that you had blocked me. The pain only got worse when a friend showed me your Twitter page on her own phone. I read over 20 Tweets directly aimed at me, insulting my personality, my intelligence, and more. I have never felt so hurt as I did right then. I was so betrayed.
I still haven't discovered the reason why you left me the way you did, or why you did at all. I never wavered in my friendship, love and support for you. I supported you in all your endeavors, helped you out in hard times, and was always your biggest cheerleader. Why you kicked me away like an abused puppy, I guess I'll never know.
You trying to erase me from your life continued. I visited your Instagram page to find you had deleted all photos of me and us. Same move an ex-boyfriend would make to pretend you never existed.
So I've been trying to make peace with myself, that I will perhaps never know why you broke up with your best friend. Or maybe I was never your best friend at all, if you could throw me away so easily and treat me so badly, when I am left unaware as to what I did to upset you so and merit such abuse.
And the pain of not knowing what was so wrong about me that turned my best friend against me so terribly is worse than any guy deciding he no longer wants to date me.
What you did to me still hurts, and the lack of closure makes it difficult to reflect on our friendship sometimes. Where did things fall apart? Where did I go wrong? These are questions I've been asking myself less and less frequently.
One day, it seems, you simply changed your mind about me, that I was no longer worthy of your friendship.
So I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. Hope you find somebody who is. I wish you only the best.