Have you ever gone to a fourth grade soccer game and sit through an hour of moms yelling "GET BACK ON D" or " WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I have. There are many kinds of soccer moms out there, but my favorite is commonly referred to as: The Olympic Mom. It is as if this soccer game, being played by ten year old children, is the Olympics.

"This might be a 'friendly' game between two teams of the parks and recreation soccer league in our small suburban town, but we are going to CRUSH YOU. Shake hands kids."

1. Loud Louise

With extremely competitive parents comes extremely high volumes. Mrs. Louise Johnson cannot air her grievances quietly about Lucy missing that corner kick, that would not show her love and enthusiasm for this really important game. At every opportunity, her voice must be heard: this is America.

Taken from the local news station's coverage of the game:

"It's the fourth quarter. Little Lucy has been training all ten and a half years of her life for this moment. Her mother is screaming so loud that the grandparents sitting nearby can finally hear what's going on."

2. Glory Days Gloria

I have come to realize a lot of these parents are trying to relive their 'glory days' of sports through their children. Unfortunately the only competition Mrs. Gloria Swan possesses in her life is who is picking up the kids from band practice every Tuesday/Thursday. In order to fill that gaping void in her life, she must scream at the top of her lungs "EYE ON THE PRIZE SETH, EYE ON THE PRIZE!" She say as her son shoots towards the wrong goal.

"When I was in high school I had the most intense soccer hell week ever. We had to run up and down the bleachers, and it was hot outside. It was intense. These kids got it so easy." --Glory Days Gloria

3. Argumentative Alyssa

Mrs. Alyssa Carter might be a "stay at home mom," but people close to her know that her real occupation is being an Argumentalist. You might think that's not even a real word, let alone an occupation; but she'd argue about that too. Her neutral mood is outraged and opinion will always rival the referee's call if it is against her favor. "HE WAS TOTALLY OFF SIDES." Her son: Jerry, has never picked his foot up when doing a throw in, though the ref has called him on it several times. Don't get in this mom's way, you'll be sorry.

4. Exhausted Emily

Mrs. Emily Wonder might have the cleaning ladies come twice a week, does not cook, and does not have a job, but she is the most exhausted woman in the world. "How was your week Em?" "Absolutely exhausting." She can barley keep her eyes open during the game, despite sitting next to Loud Louise. She still cares about the game but is too preoccupied telling everyone how busy she has been; picking up her kids from school and going shopping at the mall.

Alyssa: "Did he just get a yellow card?!"
Emily: "I don't know, I'm too exhausted to open my eyes."

5. Confused Clarice