I've been upset lately. We all have our moments of uncertainty. Days of being insanely happy, days of being remarkably sad. In my opinion, feelings have a wider range than the color spectrum.
My summer hasn't been great. I haven't gone on luxurious vacations, gone to many events, and I haven't seen many friends. When I came home for the summer, I came home to a new house, a new city, and a hefty distance from all my friends. Before I'm attacked for my words, I definitely don't believe that happiness is measured by wealth, the ability to do everything you want, or the number of friendships you have. However, I'm a hardcore extrovert who thrives around people and keeping myself busy. And to put it simply, my summer has been absolutely boring. I have no friends in my new city, I have my small summer job, and that's about it. I barely leave my house and I feel so out of my skin from hiding from the world all summer.
I've tried to make friends here. But let's face it, how awkward is it going to things alone? Knowing absolutely no one leaves every "door of opportunity" slammed shut. Our generation makes it almost impossible to make friends. Glued to our phones, we've become anti-social by being media-based social.
Lately, I've been feeling like I don't have a voice. Feeling like my voice doesn't matter. As an oxymoron as it is, feeling like my feelings don't matter. Since I don't have many friends, I've relied on my family. What a disappointment. I knew college was going to change my relationship with my family, but I didn't anticipate how much. My parents are divorced, and as much as I love them equally, this summer it was easier to stay with my dad with my classes and job. All my friends live in my mom's city an hour away, and I didn't account for how difficult managing my social life with my work life would be.
This summer all I've been is sad. I haven't had the constant smiles and adventures, I've been bored out of my mind. Maybe that's my fault. My fault for not finding a hobby, not being in the right places to make friends, or finding something to do with my newfound time. Somedays I wonder what the point of everything is if all I'm going to be is bored. I've had fights, I've had my tears, I've had struggles with the friends that I never get to see. It's been a tough year, and plenty of things have taken a toll on my soul.
I may be upset, and some days feel like things aren't worth it. That doesn't mean I want to end my life. That doesn't mean I want to kill myself. As sad as I am now, I know that there have been so many days that rays of sunshine pour out of me, days that I wouldn't give up for the world, days that I'm so grateful for all the things I have in this life. I may be upset now, but don't shove my feelings in a category that carry so much weight in this world.