I Have Always Had This Fear Of Rejection But Now I Am Learning To Be Unapologetically Unfit

I Have Always Had This Fear Of Rejection But Now I Am Learning To Be Unapologetically Unfit

Embrace the "unfit" pieces, go with your gut, and don't apologize for being you.

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I always thought the phrase "be yourself" was just a common suggestion spewed off by comforting grandparents and older siblings that wanted you to feel comfortable in your own skin. I really didn't even know what it meant, except that it seemed to be used as a response to a negative event and as a kid those words meant nothing - you just wanted to fit in. You wanted the bad feeling to go away.

Since I can remember I have felt this irrational fear of rejection - constantly feeding into the belief system that I had to have certain things, behave a certain way, be a certain type of friend and daughter and worker to be the best version of myself. What if those things weren't me at all? In those attempts, I was only trying to be something - more and different - I didn't really like who I was, but now I think that's just because I never got to know WHO that was. Feeling different from a lot of people as a kid, and even more so as I got older, changing myself seemed like the answer.

There was a very nervous image in my mind about being out of ordinary, being on my own. It made me scared to stick up for myself, hesitant to disagree, concerned that people might not like the person in hiding. Concerned that I might not like her either. A people pleaser at heart, there was a guilty pleasure I felt in pleasing myself. One part of me dreamed about how magical it would be to take care of myself in the way I do others - I could be the best friend I ever had. But the other felt safe in this corner of appeasement that was undoubtedly dangerous.

For years I said no to a lot of things I would have loved and yes to a lot of things I did not. I had a behavior based on response and there was always something missing. Even in college, I wasn't choosing things for me, but instead, for this plan I had that "made sense", one that would make people proud, make me liked and successful and worthy. Even if I didn't see it in my own eyes.

I always loved writing but didn't tell anyone for 7 years, scared that people would judge me or think what I had to say was stupid. I never thought that I could write articles one day - ones that people actually wanted to read, but I do now and I've gotten better feedback than I ever imagined. Up to this point, it's my proudest accomplishment. It could turn into something because I took the chance to go off my perfect path of business degrees and money. I didn't share the interest with anyone in my family, nor many of my friends, but I fell in love with it anyway. How freeing it was, the ability it gave me to finally let go. Every part made me feel 100% real and it was the first time I could feel my own authenticity. It made me very different from the people around me, the things I admitted to and how I chose to illustrate my story. But, for the first time, the difference was worth the fear it instilled.

Relationships were applicable just like writing. I was scared to be in one, usually concerned that it would cause me to lose close friendships or miss out on "opportunities." I wanted to love someone, badly, but I chose not to get too close. I knew it would be harder to actively please others while simultaneously fostering a romantic relationship. I would come to walk away from many relationships, for this reason, each time wondering if I would get another shot and usually terrified I wouldn't. I wanted my own feelings to matter more than what other people thought. I wanted to be strong enough to not care.

In this very moment, I can see, I can even feel, that being different, for me, may just be the most fulfilling thing I can do. Being like other people, trying to make them happy at the expense of myself, didn't get me very far. I know I will always care, but I'm learning to care for "me" just as much. I am starting to see that something will always be missing if I don't let myself embrace the "unfit" pieces I tried to stuff away.

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I Hate That I Struggle To Love My 'Midsize' Body

I gained a few pounds, but that shouldn't be the end of the world, yet it is in a sense.

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Junior year of college has been quite the wild ride. I've had the best academic year of my entire life, yet struggled, in the end, to even want to get anything done. I didn't care about a lot of the things that used to matter to me.

I gained weight at the beginning of my second semester and went up a jean size, so half of my summer wardrobe just doesn't fit me anymore, and it's made me feel embarrassed. I went from a size 6 to an 8/10, and while it doesn't seem like a big jump to the average person, it was to me. I don't like looking in the mirror and seeing a bigger pooch than usual, or how my thighs have gotten super irritated because they also got bigger. Chaffing I used to only have in the summer occurred in late January and even scared my inner thighs. It's not cute and it hurts when it flares up. I am terrified to wear my bikinis again because I know they won't fit, and the second I put on shorts my thighs are going to want to kill me if I don't kill them first.

I came to really love my body last summer after struggling through a rough breakup where I stopped caring about myself. I owned myself last summer and as much as I want to again this summer, I'm really struggling with the idea of it.

All I feel like I see on social media are skinny girls with zero hint of a pooch or thick thighs in sight. I've never been a skinny girl and I never want to be, but I can't help but envy the people I've seen online and in person. Of course, what I see on social media isn't really accurate, but it's still been tough to look at these girls who seem like they don't have a care in the world. They can eat whatever they want and still look flawless. They can throw on a bikini and not have to feel like they need to suck everything in so no one sees their pooch hanging over their bikini bottom. As a stress eater who is still too terrified to try on her bikinis, I'm not looking forward to showing my body off when all I want to do sometimes is hide it because I don't feel happy with what I see.

I will always love being a curvier girl and YouTubers like Sierra Schultzzie, Carrie Dayton, and Lucy Wood have given me a new boost of inspiration to embrace the body I have right now. I'm not skinny but I'm not plus sized either. I feel pressure from myself and certain people in my life to be skinnier and not "let myself go." I

'm so happy to have friends who have helped me through my struggles and support me, even when I don't want to support myself. These YouTuber's have opened my eyes to the fact that this body deserves to be loved just as much as my former, smaller body.

I want to love myself with 100% of my being and I hate how much hatred I've allowed to go on inside of me. There is only one me and I need to be proud of her. Maybe she gained some weight and isn't what society expects from a girl, but she's still amazing and has so much to offer.

I wish I could see more girls like me on YouTube or social media offering a representation of my body type, which I hardly ever see. Aerie and American Eagle have done a fantastic job of including different body types and it's been a great help in seeing that they really to make clothes for all types of women, not just a size zero to two. Added representation really does wonders for someone suffering from low body confidence like me.

While I hope to begin my journey into losing a few pounds this summer by jogging whenever I get the chance, I'm not going to put intense pressure on myself to look a certain way. I am single for the summer and exploring life with my best friends by my side. I'm here to be the best version of me that I can. I cannot let negative thoughts about myself to dictate how I feel every day. I am strong, I am beautiful, and I need to love myself and my body as I am.

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Taking Time For Yourself Is Nothing To Feel Guilty About, It's Healthy

Your emotional health should be your utmost priority — and you deserve to be in good emotional health.

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Renowned Sōtō Zen monk Shunryu Suzuki once said that: "We do not exist for the sake of something else. We exist for the sake of ourselves." We've often been told the opposite, however. We've been told that our worth is dependent on what we can do for others and that our existence itself is meant for the advancement of society. There is no place within our culture to truly exist with ourselves. The parts of our culture that claim to value self-love and self-care tend to commodify it in the form of relaxation products and personal development products — albeit helpful at times but mostly meant to addict us without true benefit to our inner selves.

As a young student, I talked with an orthopedic surgeon — a very overworked, ambitious woman — who told me to learn how to make it in the long haul, whether in my personal, interpersonal, or career life. You had to learn to enjoy yourself and find inner peace along the way. Because there would come a time, she said, when I would become guilty to take time for myself and forget what it's like to really enjoy life. Unfortunately, I made it to that point — I worked and worked and worked until I finally burned myself out. That's when I had to make certain changes in my life to understand how I got to that point and where I needed to go from there.

In the midst of our grand ambitions, it's easy to either go all in or all out. Either to give your entire self to a certain end or give nothing at all. I've been very much guilty of ending up on both ends of the spectrum — I would either devote all my time to writing/school or hit a roadblock and give it all up for a while. It felt like the value of my life was predicated on success, whatever that meant, in terms of contributing more and more and achieving more and more. It's never, ever enough, however. No matter what you achieve, there will always be a million more things on your to-do list. Whatever you triumph over, there will always be a million more roadblocks in your path.

The answer for me was to learn how to exist with myself, how to exist with other people, how to exist amidst all the dreams I had for the future, but also in the present moment where all my past dreams had come to fruition. Sometimes I would dive too deep into myself, and lose myself in thought, as noted in Chbosky's "The Perks of Being a Wallflower," "Sometimes people use thought to not participate in life." But I learned to participate fully, each moment to moment not necessarily enjoyable, but I find enjoyable moments each day with my friends, dog, boyfriend, and myself alone with a book or a pen.

Oftentimes as a crisis counselor, I am asked the questions: What's the point? Why am I here? What is there to look forward to? It's hard for me to precisely answer that question because, frankly, no one has anyone answer. But here's an answer that I believe in, born of taking time for ourselves: we live to feel the hope for happiness again. We live for the moments of joy, contentment, relaxation, excitement, pleasure, love, happiness, everything. We live to experience and to find each other. We live on because each new moment brings a surprise. There are many, many good moments in the future for all of us, even amongst the bad.

It's impossible to really experience life, however, if we're unable to take time to ourselves. That's one of my greatest fears, actually, that life will pass me by and I won't be able to experience each day as a full and complete miracle. There's something lost when everyone else gains from commodifying all aspects of our lives. Are you going to keep living for everyone else, or will you learn to exist for yourself? Do you owe the world your entire self, or can you take back at least some of yourself right now? Is it selfish to feel happy and not only to suffer?

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