I'm full of opinions and fueled by my passion. But I'm held back by fear and passivity. They've built up a wall around my life and taken my thoughts hostage.
I have so much I want to say and address, but I'm so afraid of confrontation that I avoid it like the plague. If I don't gain some guts at some point, my world is going to come crashing down. The truth is, I don't agree with everything and it doesn't make sense that I would sit around and act as if I do. I'm ridiculously fiery, my execution just isn't there.
I've mastered the eye roll and long, dramatic sigh out of frustration, I just can't voice any of my concerns appropriately. I'll sit and wallow for quite some time, then complain to everyone except the person who brought the issue about. Until it's too late and I'm too angry to the point where my words get jumbled and I stutter. Then I'll cry and show all signs of vulnerability.
No one takes me seriously, then the cycle repeats itself until I die.
People walk all over me, a doormat with all my feelings swept underneath it. Because of my past experiences, I've started to bottle up all my anger until something really shakes me to my core. Then I let it all loose. It's like I'm saving all confrontation up for something really special.
Then, when I actually get the courage to address what was eating away at me, everybody involved has moved on because I waited too long. Or I get laughed at for being defensive, yet somehow still weak.
It's because of my anxiety and I know that, but I don't want that to ever be an excuse for my actions. Or my lack thereof. I don't want angst and irritation to prevent me from feeling, or acting on those feelings when it's appropriate. Especially when I'm a person who feels deeply and I take my emotions seriously.
And I know there are worse things to be than passive. And I think being passive is part of the reason I decided to be a writer. I had to have an outlet for my thoughts, and since I seem to be unable to voice them, writing is a good alternative. I suppose some good has come from it. And thanks to my usual passivity, I don't usually jump to conclusions due to me waiting so long to do something about my problems.
I'm still convinced that if I don't gain some courage, passivity will ruin my life. And for that reason, I'm working on it. I'm conscious of what bothers me, and in some way or another, I deal with it.