I've written on anxiety several times before, so trust me when I say that this is not one of those articles.

Last week, it really started to settle in that haven't been invited to events that my entire friend group is doing. I thought to myself "Oh, maybe this is a one- time thing, they just forgot about me or assumed I was at work". However, I kept seeing post after post on social media of them all being together, or pictures of them at parties that I didn't even know were being thrown. I realized that this probably wasn't an accident. It's near impossible to just forget that another human that you've known since like 2012-2014ish exists, right? So, at first, I examined everything that was wrong with me. After a lot of soul-searching, I landed at the conclusion that I'm just too much for people.

If you know me in real life, you can definately agree when I say that it is obvious when I'm in a room. I also talk... a lot. I don't really have much of a filter and say what's on my mind most of the time. I also over-share. For example, someone came up to me and said "wow, your dog is so cute" and I responded with "thanks, she's 9 months old and has a UTI." So, you can see my dilemma here. It's just who I am, and this week I felt like I needed to change everything about that. I made some melodramatic Instagram posts on my private account, one captioned "how do you become quiet and dainty- asking for a friend (because I'm tired of being too much for people)" But in ALL REALITY that's how I've been feeling, which is quite dramatic. I realized that I don't just walk into people's lives- I CRASH LAND there. Like "HELLO I AM HERE FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE." I felt like I was being left out because of my bold personality and my crash-landing nature, and I'm still working through the feelings of wanting to change everything about it. A smooth runway? Never heard of her.

The second thing that I realized is the concept of predetermined perceptions. It's almost like the saying "don't judge a book by its cover". However, I am the book, my cover is kind of a mess, but my inner pages are beautiful and tell a story of a girl who's worked on a lot of inner battles, but has victory in Jesus. I also realized that with a predetermined perception, you'll see people the way that you want to, and that will hinder you from looking inward any further. For example, if you think that I'm a big party girl who goes out and gets drunk every single weekend (which is actually not true- haha), that will stop you from being able to see that I'm in a relentless pursuit of Jesus and to be more like him.

Now, how does this predetermined perception lead to being uninvited? I believe that putting that predetermined perception of me and spreading the version of me that you want other people to see will ultimately, of course, lead to me not being invited. I wouldn't want to invite that girl either- which is ironic since it's supposed to be me. It's like this game of telephone where there's an annoying kid in the middle of the line who changes up the entire sentence, and by the time the message gets to the end, it's nothing like the original one.

So what did I learn from all of this? I believe that friendship is intentional. If you don't cultivate friendships that will point you closer to Christ in a setting where you can grow and learn from one another, what's the point? If there's so much predetermined judgment walking into a room, why should you be there? It's been exhausting, and emotionally I'm pretty much drained in that the Devil has decided to attack me from all angles- making me believe that being a Child of God isn't good enough and that my identity is based on whether people want me around or not. Half of me wants to find ways to prove myself to others, and the other half has given up on that. If people don't want to see you for who you truly are, you can't do anything about it.

I'm a child of God. I'm also a crash landing. I'm loved by my creator and the people who seek out relationships with me. All is going to be well.