Being The Uninvited Friend Sent Me Down An Identity Crisis Spiral

Being The Uninvited Friend Sent Me Down An Identity Crisis Spiral

And led me to wanting to be someone new entirely.

Instagram @bymariandrew

I've written on anxiety several times before, so trust me when I say that this is not one of those articles.

Last week, it really started to settle in that haven't been invited to events that my entire friend group is doing. I thought to myself "Oh, maybe this is a one- time thing, they just forgot about me or assumed I was at work". However, I kept seeing post after post on social media of them all being together, or pictures of them at parties that I didn't even know were being thrown. I realized that this probably wasn't an accident. It's near impossible to just forget that another human that you've known since like 2012-2014ish exists, right? So, at first, I examined everything that was wrong with me. After a lot of soul-searching, I landed at the conclusion that I'm just too much for people.

If you know me in real life, you can definately agree when I say that it is obvious when I'm in a room. I also talk... a lot. I don't really have much of a filter and say what's on my mind most of the time. I also over-share. For example, someone came up to me and said "wow, your dog is so cute" and I responded with "thanks, she's 9 months old and has a UTI." So, you can see my dilemma here. It's just who I am, and this week I felt like I needed to change everything about that. I made some melodramatic Instagram posts on my private account, one captioned "how do you become quiet and dainty- asking for a friend (because I'm tired of being too much for people)" But in ALL REALITY that's how I've been feeling, which is quite dramatic. I realized that I don't just walk into people's lives- I CRASH LAND there. Like "HELLO I AM HERE FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE." I felt like I was being left out because of my bold personality and my crash-landing nature, and I'm still working through the feelings of wanting to change everything about it. A smooth runway? Never heard of her.

The second thing that I realized is the concept of predetermined perceptions. It's almost like the saying "don't judge a book by its cover". However, I am the book, my cover is kind of a mess, but my inner pages are beautiful and tell a story of a girl who's worked on a lot of inner battles, but has victory in Jesus. I also realized that with a predetermined perception, you'll see people the way that you want to, and that will hinder you from looking inward any further. For example, if you think that I'm a big party girl who goes out and gets drunk every single weekend (which is actually not true- haha), that will stop you from being able to see that I'm in a relentless pursuit of Jesus and to be more like him.

Now, how does this predetermined perception lead to being uninvited? I believe that putting that predetermined perception of me and spreading the version of me that you want other people to see will ultimately, of course, lead to me not being invited. I wouldn't want to invite that girl either- which is ironic since it's supposed to be me. It's like this game of telephone where there's an annoying kid in the middle of the line who changes up the entire sentence, and by the time the message gets to the end, it's nothing like the original one.

So what did I learn from all of this? I believe that friendship is intentional. If you don't cultivate friendships that will point you closer to Christ in a setting where you can grow and learn from one another, what's the point? If there's so much predetermined judgment walking into a room, why should you be there? It's been exhausting, and emotionally I'm pretty much drained in that the Devil has decided to attack me from all angles- making me believe that being a Child of God isn't good enough and that my identity is based on whether people want me around or not. Half of me wants to find ways to prove myself to others, and the other half has given up on that. If people don't want to see you for who you truly are, you can't do anything about it.

I'm a child of God. I'm also a crash landing. I'm loved by my creator and the people who seek out relationships with me. All is going to be well.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

10 Etsy Father's Day Gifts Under $40 To Support Your Dad And Small Businesses

Stores may still be closed, but the internet is still wide open. So, while you're already shopping online check out Etsy for your Father's Day needs and support small creators.

As June approaches, Father's Day is coming up quickly with it. While they may not ask for much, it's always a nice gesture to give your dad something special to share your appreciation. Although, at the same time, it might be difficult to find the perfect gift either for their humor or that will be practical.

On a normal occasion, it's simple to find a gift for your father figures in stores, but for the times we're currently in our access has become very limited. Small and independent businesses need help now more than ever, so what better time than now to support them? If you're still stuck on what to give for Father's Day, look to this list for some inspiration that won't hurt your wallet too much.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

5 Helpful, Effective Mental Health Resources Specifically For The Black Community

These organizations are qualified, caring, and acknowledging the mental trauma individuals are experiencing.

On May 25, George Floyd died after being pinned to the ground by a Minneapolis police officer. In the last week, protests have sprung up across the nation, demanding justice for Floyd and accountability for police brutality. Social media has also seen widespread conversation regarding Floyd's death, Black Lives Matter, and racism in the United States. Today is #BlackoutTuesday, where many are sharing a single black square to represent unity and support for Black voices.

In light of the heavy climate that our country is facing, it is a safe assumption that many individuals' mental health may be suffering. We wanted to highlight mental health resources and organizations that are Black-owned and prepared to assist in whatever you're going through.

Keep Reading... Show less

15 Black-Owned Haircare Brands That Cater As Much To Inclusivity As They Do To Your Locks

Championing Black entrepreneurs who make some of our hair favorites.

The haircare industry is vast. With the rise of social media came hundreds of thousands of empowered, niche brands. Single entrepreneurs came out of the woodwork with hair brands that now, years later, have dedicated cult followings.

Of those multitudes of brands, few cater to all hair types, most made without regard for curly or coily hair. These brands, however, are different.

Keep Reading... Show less

4 Women Of Color Share How Racism Affects Their Dating Lives, And Everyone Needs To Listen

"My race is typically a factor in almost everything I do, and with dating, it's no different."

Racism affects the daily lives of people of color in the United States, and other parts of the world, in some capacity every day. When it comes to dating and relationships, this is unfortunately no different.

Keep Reading... Show less

13 Movies And Shows On Netflix Directed By Black Men And Women You Need To Watch Now

Take the time right now to watch these fantastic films and TV shows directed by Black men and women.


Netflix is notorious for getting us insanely addicted to watching TV and films. From documentaries, true crime, reality, and fiction, we get very sucked in.

Right now the American people are fighting for the lives of our Black brothers and sisters, so instead of watching "The Office" for the 30th time, take the time to watch these 13 films and TV shows directed by Black men and women.

Keep Reading... Show less

I love working out, it makes me feel great. It helps my mood, sleep schedule and I just feel overall healthier. Recently I wanted to focus more on my glutes than I previously had been. At the gym, I would just go to the squat bar to do my thing and call it a day. But since we have been home in quarantine I feel like squats just aren't doing it for me but even if I love doing them. Doing squats I always have felt does more for banging my thighs than it ever did for my butt. It made them so big, which I didn't mind except I felt it made my butt look pretty much the same. Straying from squats, and the fact that gyms will probably remain closed for a while, sent me on a fitness journey to see what other exercises I could do at home with no or very little equipment needed. Hopefully, these exercises will help keep your booty banging.

1. Diamond Leg Lifts

Keep Reading... Show less

10 Podcasts On Race Everyone Should Listen To In Order To Be A Better Ally

Listen and learn, because knowledge is power.

Podcasts are such an integral part of some of our everyday lives that it can be hard to recall a time at which they didn't exist. Podcasts exist on about every single topic, from dating to celebrity gossip and Harry Potter.

Now more than ever, it's likely you're reeling from the news, and (hopefully) wanting to do something about it in order to educate yourself. Podcasts are one of the best ways to get the most up-to-date information in a conversational, personal way from some of today's top educators, scholars, and theorists.

Keep Reading... Show less

Stop Pitying Me Because I'm Single, I'm Very Happy With My Relationship With Myself

I don't need your opinions on why I'm single and you're not. We are two different people.

I'm so happy for my friends when they get into relationships, but that doesn't mean they get to have control over my love life, and that is what bothers me. For the record, I've been in four relationships, one lasting for three years, so I do understand relationships.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments