Being Split In Half

Being Split In Half

A game of emotional tug-of-war.
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I don't know if it's because I'm Libra and have a natural need for balance in my life (and a natural inclination to be indecisive), but I've never felt fully able to commit to one thing.

I have never been able to commit to one style, to one activity, to one haircut. I picked my major because it trains me for a variety of jobs. I can't stand the idea of being stuck with the same option for the rest of life unless I'm really sure about that option. And when I'm sure about something, that's all I want.

It feels as if this has been a problem more than lately. I have two very opposing dreams, two opposing visions of who I am, two different ideas of how I want to live my life, and it's driving me crazy. It's like the devil and angel on my shoulders, except they're both equally evil and pure. And it drives me crazy.

One part of me wants to embrace my small-town roots. I want to come back home after graduation. I want to live close to my family. I want a decent paying job, and I want to have family with a husband and children and the whole shebang. I want a big, comfy house with pets and a fireplace. I'm calm, I'm together and I'm satisfied with a simpler life.

Another part of me wants to continue living in new places. I want to see America, and I want to see the world. I want to chase my dream jobs, even though they're almost impossible to reach and require a lot of sacrifice. I want to live with my friends in a tiny apartment in a big city. I want to live an independent, wild, spontaneous life for as long as I can before I even think about settling down.

And, although no one told me this as a fact, it always appears that these two lifestyles never go peacefully hand-in-hand.

I know this isn't a real problem right now, because I still have two more years of college, and I still have many years of being young enough to choose. But it really seems most other people know where they want to project their lives in the next few years. All of the times I've felt like I was being pulled in two polar-opposite directions, this weighs on me the most. I feel a bigger meaning behind all my little decisions that will eventually lead to a bigger decision.

Every time I think about internships, studying abroad and anything related to that, I think about what these decisions might add up to. I just feel there are two very different parts of myself I equally love. Will I be the family-oriented, wife and mom? Will I be the independent, cosmopolitan, go-getting woman? Is there a right or wrong answer? Which one is actually me?

I worry too much, which leads to making these decisions a lot harder. But I know ultimately, things will work out how they're supposed to. I know ultimately, my life will fall into place whether I plan it out perfectly or not. At least I can find comfort in that fact that I'll be happy either way. Or maybe I spend the next few years figuring out a way to be a small town wife/mom and a cosmopolitan go-getter at the same time.

Cover Image Credit: Jolie Delia

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To The Parent Who Chose Addiction

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

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When I was younger I resented you, I hated every ounce of you, and I used to question why God would give me a parent like you. Not now. Now I see the beauty and the blessings behind having an addict for a parent. If you're reading this, it isn't meant to hurt you, but rather to thank you.

Thank you for choosing your addiction over me.

Throughout my life, you have always chosen the addiction over my programs, my swim meets or even a simple movie night. You joke about it now or act as if I never questioned if you would wake up the next morning from your pill and alcohol-induced sleep, but I thank you for this. I thank you because I gained a relationship with God. The amount of time I spent praying for you strengthened our relationship in ways I could never explain.

SEE ALSO: They're Not Junkies, You're Just Uneducated

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

The amount of hurt and disappointment our family has gone through has brought us closer together. I have a relationship with Nanny and Pop that would never be as strong as it is today if you had been in the picture from day one. That in itself is a blessing.

Thank you for showing me how to love.

From your absence, I have learned how to love unconditionally. I want you to know that even though you weren't here, I love you most of all. No matter the amount of heartbreak, tears, and pain I've felt, you will always be my greatest love.

Thank you for making me strong.

Thank you for leaving and for showing me how to be independent. From you, I have learned that I do not need anyone else to prove to me that I am worthy of being loved. From you, I have learned that life is always hard, but you shouldn't give into the things that make you feel good for a short while, but should search for the real happiness in life.

Most of all, thank you for showing me how to turn my hurt into motivation.

I have learned that the cycle of addiction is not something that will continue into my life. You have hurt me more than anyone, but through that hurt, I have pushed myself to become the best version of myself.

Thank you for choosing the addiction over me because you've made me stronger, wiser, and loving than I ever could've been before.

Cover Image Credit: http://crashingintolove.tumblr.com/post/62246881826/pieffysessanta-tumblr-com

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I Don't Live A Goal-Driven Life, And Everything Is Working Out Just Fine

I take one day at a time.

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I've come to realize that I'll never be the girl who makes a goal board. Do you know the ones on Pinterest? Yes, that's not me. It's not because they're not SUPER cute- because they are. However, I wouldn't have anything to put on it. It's not like I'm wandering around aimlessly with my life, I just don't have any long-term goals.

Sure, I want to graduate from college and become a teacher. After that happens, I don't really have a plan. I don't know exactly what grade I want to teach or what area of Texas I want to stay in. Therefore, the "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" question really throws me off. I have no idea where I see myself in 5 days, let alone 5 years from now.

Truly, I take one day at a time. This stresses some people out, which I realize. Some people need long term goals. I'm just not one of them. Taking one day at a time gives me a clear end to my day. If I can get through one day, I can get through the next one. This "not having goals" thing doesn't mean that I don't have a planner.

Because I do. That thing is my lifeline. My entire life is made up of daily to-do lists. Eventually, I get large tasks done. However, I don't focus on the large picture.

Overall, this keeps me calm. Life is going just as I did not plan it. I also trust that God laughs when we make plans, so there's no real reason to make them in the first place. I'm not floating in the wind, but I'd like to think of myself as a kite and God is holding the string. If you're a person who needs a goal board and a plan, I totally support you. If you're someone who has never seen any purpose in a goal board, I also support that too. As long as we all get there, it doesn't matter how.

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