I don't know if it's because I'm Libra and have a natural need for balance in my life (and a natural inclination to be indecisive), but I've never felt fully able to commit to one thing.
I have never been able to commit to one style, to one activity, to one haircut. I picked my major because it trains me for a variety of jobs. I can't stand the idea of being stuck with the same option for the rest of life unless I'm really sure about that option. And when I'm sure about something, that's all I want.
It feels as if this has been a problem more than lately. I have two very opposing dreams, two opposing visions of who I am, two different ideas of how I want to live my life, and it's driving me crazy. It's like the devil and angel on my shoulders, except they're both equally evil and pure. And it drives me crazy.
One part of me wants to embrace my small-town roots. I want to come back home after graduation. I want to live close to my family. I want a decent paying job, and I want to have family with a husband and children and the whole shebang. I want a big, comfy house with pets and a fireplace. I'm calm, I'm together and I'm satisfied with a simpler life.
Another part of me wants to continue living in new places. I want to see America, and I want to see the world. I want to chase my dream jobs, even though they're almost impossible to reach and require a lot of sacrifice. I want to live with my friends in a tiny apartment in a big city. I want to live an independent, wild, spontaneous life for as long as I can before I even think about settling down.
And, although no one told me this as a fact, it always appears that these two lifestyles never go peacefully hand-in-hand.
I know this isn't a real problem right now, because I still have two more years of college, and I still have many years of being young enough to choose. But it really seems most other people know where they want to project their lives in the next few years. All of the times I've felt like I was being pulled in two polar-opposite directions, this weighs on me the most. I feel a bigger meaning behind all my little decisions that will eventually lead to a bigger decision.
Every time I think about internships, studying abroad and anything related to that, I think about what these decisions might add up to. I just feel there are two very different parts of myself I equally love. Will I be the family-oriented, wife and mom? Will I be the independent, cosmopolitan, go-getting woman? Is there a right or wrong answer? Which one is actually me?
I worry too much, which leads to making these decisions a lot harder. But I know ultimately, things will work out how they're supposed to. I know ultimately, my life will fall into place whether I plan it out perfectly or not. At least I can find comfort in that fact that I'll be happy either way. Or maybe I spend the next few years figuring out a way to be a small town wife/mom and a cosmopolitan go-getter at the same time.