Howdy. I’ve always been a bit of a weirdo no matter where I’ve gone. I was born and raised in Oklahoma, but my mom and dad are from Wisconsin and North Dakota. To my northern family, I sound like a hick. To my southern friends, I’m posh. I say “soda” rather than “pop”, but the occasional “y’all” can slip out as well. I didn’t realize how truly bad I was until I went up to Villanova for the Connections retreat and was surrounded by the northeasterners I’d be going to school with. I seemed to be fitting in well until the following morning, at breakfast, when I turned to one of the girls in my group saying “Man, I have to pee so bad my teeth are floating” It was a normal phrase to me, one I’d grown up hearing, but the moment the words crossed my lips, I realized my mistake. The ENTIRE table was looking at me as though I’d grown another head. It was in that moment that I realized how far in over my head I was. The rest of the weekend turned into stories of life in the south and translations of my various colloquialisms.

To my roommates, I’m so sorry. I will occasionally listen to country music and wear my boots.

To everyone I’m going to meet, let me go ahead and save you some time to answer some of the most prominent questions. Yes, I have seen a tornado. No, I don’t ride to school on a horse. Yes, I have good boots and bad boots. No, I’m not constantly wearing said boots. Yes, I have been in the musical Oklahoma!. Yes, there are things to do in Oklahoma.

Please be patient with me and my poor southern self. I will learn your northern ways as fast as I can, but it may take a while. I’ve never ridden public transportation down here, I’ve never had a cheesesteak, and there’s a handful of words and phrases that go right over my head. At the same time, there will be things I say and do that will leave you confused, so let me offer some translations and explanations:

1. Tan your hide

Ex. “Oh man, my mom would tan my hide if she knew”

This is NOT a good thing. This usually comes after you’ve royally screwed up, and it means that you’re about to be given a spanking.

2. A mind to

Ex. “If she keeps this up, I have a mind to smack her”

I have every intention of doing whatever I just said.

3. Sweetheart

Ex. “Hey there sweetheart, how are you?”

This one can be tricky because I, as well as many others, use this in multiple ways. It’s up to you to distinguish whether I’m using it sarcastically or endearingly. While used occasionally for flirtatious means, 98% of the time I’m using it as a replacement for your name, nothing more.

4. My teeth are floating

Ex. “Oh my gosh, I have to pee so bad my teeth are floating”

This one is pretty self-explanatory. If I say my teeth are floating then stay out of the way because I’m running to the first bathroom I see.

5. If the creek don't rise

Ex. “Well, as long as the creek don’t rise, we’ll be good to go,”

It just means as long as there aren’t any unforeseeable or unavoidable events that occur

6. Running over hell's half-acre

Ex. “I’m sorry you haven’t seen me, I’ve been running over hell’s half-acre for work”

When you travel a lot of places, usually more than you planned, and often a pretty good distance. Most of the time, when a southerner uses this phrase they’re ticked off. Run for your own sake.

7. He's got one oar in the water

Ex. “Poor boy, he’s got one oar in the water”

It’s a way to call someone stupid. If you have one oar in the water, you’re going nowhere but in a circle.

8. Lollygag

Ex. “If you keep lollygagging, we’ll never make it on time”

You’re wasting time. Stop.

9. Cattywampus

Ex. “Would you please fix that, it’s all cattywampus?”

It just means something is sideways or not centered.

10. Bless her heart

Ex. “Oh, she tried her hardest, bless her heart”

Just like sweetheart, this can be used either endearingly or sarcastically. A lot of times, it’s used to refer to someone who’s tried their best but fallen short.

There is a whole book more of words and phrases, but those are ten of my favorite or most used. Please be patient with us southerners as we try to learn your ways but just know: You may take us out of the south, but you’ll never take all the south out of us.