Being Single Is Not Only Okay, It's An Opportunity

Being Single Is Not Only Okay, It's An Opportunity

Why being hard to love also makes you hard to leave.
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Okay, so, you’re single. Maybe this is a new thing for you, maybe you’ve been single your entire life (like me). Either way, you may be asking yourself, “Why? What’s wrong with me?”

First of all, nothing is wrong with you. Relationships are tricky, unpredictable, complicated and every single one is different. Building quality relationships requires that people get to know each other and knowing someone often entails finding out that they’re, as Meredith Grey would say, “dark and twisty” (shout out to Grey’s Anatomy).

As most people do, you have a past that has shaped you into the person you are today. Different trials and experiences can often lead to impairment in the relationship and dating department. If you’re like me, you may be a walking contradiction in a lot of ways.

You may often have difficulty communicating your feelings adequately with a habit of letting them bottle up and explode. You may be complicated and hard to understand. It’s hard to show you love because you may not be sure how to accept it.

With all that being said, you may be hard to love but that’s not the reason you’re single. You’ve been hurt in the past but it has given you growth. You know what you want and what you deserve and you shouldn’t settle for or accept anything less. You’re single because you have yet to find the person who meets these expectations and there is nothing wrong with not settling.

Why waste your time in a relationship going nowhere? Life is too short for that. The time you spend now, being single, will allow you to continue growing into a better you, without the added difficulty of being in a relationship simultaneously. When you have the opportunity to grow independent of another person, you are free to grow immense and beautiful.

Imagine two oak tree saplings. If they are planted too close together then the competition for resources results in their loss of the ability to grow as big or as tall as they could have been had they been planted with some distance. Let your roots extend deep, your branches reach far and grow so tall you reach the sky. The more that you learn about yourself, the better you will be able to know and love someone else.

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me why I’m still single I swear I’d be a billionaire by now but how do you answer this question?

I know the answer, I’m hard to love, I’ve been hurt and it’s complicated but no one wants to hear that so I normally just say, “Just haven’t found the right person.” This is, to some extent, true. I just haven’t found someone that wants the same things and is willing to work for and with me.

This is not a bad thing though because I would much rather be single than to settle into a dead-end relationship. Our society shames being single which is ridiculous because pitying those that are not in relationships is a gross underestimate of what these people have to offer.

If you’re single and allowing yourself to grow independently, you’re putting yourself at a distinct advantage in your future relationships. Learning what you need, want and expect from a significant other ensures that you will not accept any treatment less than what you deserve, the best.

Be secure in your independence and use the time to learn more about yourself. Your past may have left you hard to love at times but it also made your love an incredibly special gift because it is one that must be earned. When you find the person that is willing to do what it takes, you will find that all this waiting was well worth it.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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Ghosting Is A Totally Acceptable Form Of Self-Protection, So Get Over It

Everyone hates ghosting but, honestly, it's ok to do it.
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If there's anything that people who date online seem to universally hate, it's ghosting. When you're talking to someone consistently or have even met up a couple of times, it doesn't feel great when they decide to just stop talking to you, with no warning and no explanation.

I've ghosted people and I've been ghosted myself. Nearly everyone on online dating platforms has experienced ghosting as well, whether that be from the giving or the receiving end.

Despite how much people dislike the idea of ghosting, I believe that it's a completely appropriate way to let some casual encounter know that you're no longer interested and that ultimately no harm is done.

Why do people ghost? It can be anything from feeling uncomfortable to not having a good time to finding someone else to "just not feeling it anymore." Regardless, these are all appropriate reasons to end a casual dating encounter and they owe the other person no justification.

I ghosted a guy who I matched with on Tinder. We exchanged numbers and then he started ordering me to do things and calling me multiple times until I'd pick up. He made me uncomfortable and I felt unsafe continuing to get to know him so I decided to block his number and un-match with him on Tinder. No harm done.

Just moments ago, I blocked another guy who sent me a Snapchat proudly toting his confederate flag memorabilia. I've got a strict "No Racists" policy. #SorryNotSorry, that conversation was over before it even started. Another example of neither of us being harmed.

I've been ghosted by a guy I spent the evening with. We hung out and I thought we'd both had a good time. When I tried to Snapchat him again a couple weeks later, I found that my snap didn't deliver since he'd blocked me on the app. I thought "Oh, that's weird. He must not have enjoyed himself as much as I thought he had." And I moved on. Again, no harm done.

Nobody owes someone else a relationship. People want different things, and especially within the world of online dating, it can be easy to get caught up in your own excitement and then assume the other person is on the same page.

When you're only just getting to know someone; when you've exchanged first names and Snapchat handles, there's no real reason to explain to that person why you don't want to talk anymore.

"I just don't find you attractive." "There's no real chemistry here." "I don't see this working." "I'm not interested." "I've found a better option for the night/weekend/time being." These are all hard things to say to someone, especially someone you don't even know.

By ghosting, you leave the door open to interpretation. If they want to believe it's because of their body or their personality of their clinginess or any number of other factors, that's on them. You don't owe them an explanation. And they don't owe you.

Dating is hard enough without walking around like we owe each other something, so let's cut the crap and accept not being everyone's first choice all the time. There are always more fish in the sea and more people to swipe right on.

Cover Image Credit: Flickr

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A Thank You Letter To My Ex-Boyfriends

Thank you for breaking up with me. It was the best thing you could have done.
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Dear Ex-Boyfriends,

This may seem harsh, but thank you for breaking up with me. It was really the best thing you ever could have done. Not just for you, but for me as well.

I know the type of girlfriend I am. I am needy, clingy, and I get upset over things easily, but I also love hard and a lot. The crazier I am with you the more I care. I know I am not easy to deal with, but you guys did it like pros. I have a lot of regrets in all of these relationships. I wish I didn’t take some of you back, or broke things off sooner, or didn’t take things so fast. I regret using one of you. I regret dating one of you out of pity. I regret moving on to some of your best friends and cousins. I did a lot wrong, but so did you. However, we both did something right: we ended it. We didn’t end it because things got hard. We didn’t end it because we hated one another. We ended it, because you cared enough about me and I cared enough about you to end it mutually and fairly. I’m happy to be on good terms with all of you, and I am happy to see all of you living your best lives today. You’re all where you want to be, doing what you want to do, and I couldn’t be happier for you guys. Whether we were together for a month, a year, or more, I am grateful for our time together. I am grateful for our time apart. I am grateful for the experiences, lessons, and the memories. We held hands under desks at school, passed notes, shared secrets, hugged, kissed, and made out in the local mall so much with one of you that I still feel dirty when I go in there. But, the moment has ended for all of us, and I wouldn’t be where I am today if it was not for each of you.

Today, I am a college student and writer. I have met someone who I can confidently say is the great love of my life, despite our complications and issues with one another. You taught me how to be a better person, and you showed me my strengths and weaknesses as a partner. I have learned to work on and deal with the things in relationships that I am not so good at, and I have also learned to show off more of what’s so great about me. I believe that things happen for a reason, and that one event, good or bad, will lead into another. I attended the middle school I attended, and I met four of you. I met the friends that lead me to another one of you. One of you lead me to the boy I call the great love of my life, and I could not be more thankful for that. No hard feelings. No hate. No drama. I have a space in my heart for you all. You’ve given me the confidence to go forward and be who I am today. I may not have necessarily been in love with any of you, but I do have love for you simply because you have helped me get to this place in my life.



Sure, this might have seemed a little harsh and odd, but it is with the best intentions and the utmost respect and love that I say thank you for ending us, and thank you for remaining my friends.



Sincerely,

Nikki

Cover Image Credit: word-press

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