Being a leader with anxiety constitutes many ups, downs, and deep breaths. The following is a summary of some of the feelings I have experienced in my journey of becoming a leader at my university.
My hands shake, a lot. I unlock my phone and I get my password wrong about eight times until my phone finally reaches the home screen. I check my mail app, and there is one unread message (the message I have been waiting on for about five days). I open it up and wait as it loads, and loads, and loads...until finally, I have my answer. I got the position I've always wanted, and I can finally be the leader I always wanted to be. But why was I chosen?
The next few weeks are filled with self-doubt, worry, and confusion. Maybe I should just email them and tell them I can't do it. I think a lot, and I plan out my options. Maybe I need to dedicate my time to other things. I try and convince myself that other things are more important than my dream of being in this position.
I start to go to meetings after I mentally prepare myself by listening to my favorite songs on the drive over to them. I finally start getting to know the people around me. They are all so loud, all so confident, and all so unique in their own special way. There is no way I fit in with them, at all. I can go around to each person in the room and name so many amazing qualities about them. I can easily be replaced here; why was I picked again?
But at the same time, I am so thankful. I smile a lot more, especially before I go to sleep at night. Why was I picked again? I smile this time, and try and count the reasons.
I talk a lot more in my classes. Something about being a leader on a team makes me feel as if I can be louder. Then I worry more because I do not want to be self-absorbed. I try to hold back, and spend some more time alone. I miss out on some things, and I feel left out from those around me. I feel like they are all bonding, and I'm just on the outside. I start to try and communicate more, but then I feel clingy. I start to overthink, and I feel as if I am overthinking.
Sometimes I think of really funny things to say, but my voice decides not to work when I try to say them out loud. Sometimes I do say them, and sometimes I get blank stares and nervous laughter. I won't talk for a couple of more hours, I think to myself.
The leaders, those around me, tell me that they look up to me. This doesn't make any sense to me because I look up to them. I start to realize that maybe they see me the same way I see them. This makes me feel like I've never felt before and makes me realize my life's purpose a little more.
I feel confident one day, and very small the next. Every day I interact with those around me, I hope it's going to be a good day and not a worrisome one. Sometimes I am not sure if I should wave at the people I walk by because I don't know them that well, but I still know them. I feel as if everyone is watching my every move because I have this position. I get nervous while feeling lucky and blessed at the same time.
I start to feel as if I am important, and that makes me feel complete. Some days I second guess myself, while still contemplating why I was chosen to have a voice. I then realize that maybe caring this much, overthinking this much, and worrying this much is the reason. I learn to love this about myself because this is why I am unique.
I see someone younger than me who looks just as nervous as I did a couple of years ago. I talk to her and hear her stories and her struggles that she is currently going through. I give her advice, and tell her that I have the same anxiety sometimes. She doesn't understand, because she always thought I was the most confident person in the world, because of the title I held. I tell her that sometimes leaders have self-doubt sometimes. I tell her that no matter what others say, or even the things you might think of yourself sometimes, you can do anything. You can be anyone or anything you want to be, you just have to try, and you have to push yourself. I told her that I understand what she is going through, because my anxiety holds me back sometimes, too.
This is why I'm a leader, I think to myself.