Even at an elementary school age, I dreamed of leaving New Mexico and going to college elsewhere. When the time came, this meant forgoing a full-ride to the University of New Mexico to follow my dreams of studying creative writing at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.

I had never been to Illinois before the week of move-in. Because I was so far from the state, I registered for classes online and watched videos of campus. I was excited to see the Midwest---hoping the humid air would do wonders for my hair and skin (it did!). But what I was never expecting was the imminent fear of having no way to see my family between August and November.

After a week of settling in and accepting that my roommate wasn't going to throw a rave and destroy all my belongings, I was beginning to feel optimistic again. Then came Labor Day Weekend. I was walking outside of my dorm when I saw a long line of cars in the circle drive. Tons of students poured out of the building, carrying duffle bags and pillows. They were going home. But how could this be? We were only here for a week. I was jealous. I was jealous of the students whose parents would surprise them on campus. I was jealous that they had a safety net I didn't. If I had to go home, it would be at-least a two day drive or an expensive flight.

Looking back, I'm grateful I was forced to spend three months without receiving a hug from my mom. I never had to worry about my parents randomly springing up on campus and ruining my weekend plans with friends. Additionally, the dorm served its full purpose. It wasn't a sleepaway camp for me. It was home. I became close to several people who lived in my dorm, both from Illinois and other states. One of my in-state friends didn't go home until I did. To this day I'm not sure if it's because she didn't want to make me jealous or if she was just mentally stronger than the other students. Whatever the reason, I commend her for sticking it out. If my house had been a couple of hours away, I definitely would have spent many weekends at home.

Undoubtedly these first few months were the hardest. I'd wake up expecting to see the same ceiling from my childhood only to see the ugly tiled dorm ceiling. Classes were the only thing I looked forward to, simply because they kept my mind off of how homesick I was. I became more obsessive about my schoolwork, trying to take on extra projects to fill my mind. Anything to keep me from feeling what I was feeling.

On the upside, I found passion in the work I was doing. I always liked school, but never quite this intensely. This landed me a spot on the dean's list after my first semester of college.

When I returned to campus in January, I continued to press hard into my academics---but this time it wasn't to fill a void. When I found out over Spring break I wouldn't be finishing the semester at UIUC, I was devastated. Prior to the pandemic, I was already thinking about how much I would miss Illinois over the summer. It wasn't just the university or the state I was attached to at this point---it was the person I had become while I was there.