She's The Type Of Girl I Hope I'll Never Be

She's The Type Of Girl I Hope I'll Never Be

I'll spend my whole life running from her.

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I am so independent and that's the only way I know how to be. Independence was encouraged, and of all the things I felt that I needed to defy, that wasn't something I ever questioned. Sometimes I fear I'll never be able to be taken care of the way a person needs to be. No one should have to do everything completely on their own, but that's the path I'm currently on.

Because what scares me more than being alone is being that girl who can't be alone.

That girl who can't stand on her own two feet for too long because she'll lose her way.

That girl who puts her life on hold and doesn't go after exactly what she wants.

She's that girl who only sees herself, along with the rest of the world, through the eyes of a guy. Her judgment is clouded and she just doesn't know it.

I despise that girl.

That girl who doesn't receive all the love she gives out, but only because she isn't distributing it properly, not because she doesn't deserve it.

The girl whose standards are impossibly low, and yet she still finds herself settling.

The girl who steps around everyone's feelings while hers are stomped all over. She fights for attention in all the wrong places from all the wrong people. She's sat all her friends on the back burner until she thinks she'll need them, not realizing they won't be waiting for her return.

I don't want to ever become that girl who thinks the world revolves around her and that she'll have many forevers.

She doesn't realize that time stops for everyone and we only get what we get. She puts everything off until later and she will until there are no laters left.

But "that girl" I'm afraid of isn't any one girl.

She's not the enemy. THAT girl is all the parts of us we run from. It's the other conscious that tries to be louder. It's all the inner thoughts we have to shove aside to get to all the things we aspire to be. That girl might be strong, but I'm stronger.

I don't want to be bitter in my walk through life just because it gets a little lonely. And I don't want to compare myself to or compete with THAT girl.

I want to be the girl with the voice and opinions. I want to know I don't have to do everything on my own, but if I had to, I could do it all better than I could with somebody else holding my hand. I want to be able to balance my life without anyone picking up the slack. I want to fully reciprocate every bit of love I am lucky enough to get. I never want to think settling is acceptable.

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A Letter To My Freshman Dorm Room As I Pack Up My Things

Somehow a 15' x 12' room became a home.

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Dear Geary 411,

With your creaky beds, concrete walls, and mismatched tile floors, you are easily overlooked as just another room we were randomly assigned to— but you were different. Inside your old walls, I have made some of the best memories of my life that I will hold on to forever.

Thank you for welcoming my neighbors in with open arms who quickly became friends who didn't knock and walked in like you were their own.

I feel like an apology is needed.

We're sorry for blaring the music so loud while getting ready and acting like we can actually sing when, in reality, we know we can't. Sorry for the dance parties that got a bit out of control and ended with us standing on the desks. Sorry for the cases of the late-night giggles that came out of nowhere and just would not go away. Sorry for the homesick cries and the "I failed my test" cries and the "I'm dropping out" cries. We're sorry for hating you at first. All we saw was a tiny and insanely hot room, we had no idea what you would bring to us.

Thank you for providing me with memories of my first college friends and college experiences.

As I stand at the door looking at the bare room that I first walked into nine months ago I see so much more than just a room. I see lots and lots of dinners being eaten at the desks filled with stories of our days. I see three girls sitting on the floor laughing at God knows what. I see late night ice cream runs and dance battles. I see long nights of homework and much-needed naps. Most importantly, I look at the bed and see a girl who sat and watched her parents leave in August and was absolutely terrified, and as I lock you up for the last time today, I am so proud of who that terrified girl is now and how much she has grown.

Thank you for being a space where I could grow, where I was tested physically, mentally and emotionally and for being my home for a year.

Sincerely,

A girl who is sad to go

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If I Could Dream A Perfect Day, This Is What I'd Do

An inside look at what my dream day would be like.

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Have you ever just had such a crappy day that you find yourself lying in bed daydreaming about what your perfect day would be like? No limitations, no pain, no frustrations. Just whatever you want.

Well, I have. Here is a look at what my perfect day would contain.

1. Teleportation

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I know, I know. The first thing on my list is something that could absolutely never happen, at least in my lifetime. But hear me out.

I want to travel, but any form of transportation makes me sick. Cars, boats, planes, trains, you name it I end getting sick. So if I could teleport than I wouldn't have to deal with it. Plus I wouldn't have to pay for gas or airfare. It's a win-win.

2. My Mom

Kayla Resler

It wouldn't be a perfect day if my mom wasn't along for the ride. Who else would I have fun with and then rub it in my brothers face later?

Just kidding, he would come too.

3. Food

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It would not be a prefect day if it didn't involve food. And if it was free it would be even better.

4. London

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I have been dying to go back to London, and if it was my perfect day I would definitely take a trip over the pond!

5. Meet the Stars

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If it was going to be my perfect day, I would meet some celebrities. Let me scream, and jump, and totally fangirl in front of Emma Watson, Tom Hiddleston, Chris Hemsworth, Zac Efron, and Robert Downey Jr. just to name a few.

6. Meet Fictional Characters

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Earlier I said no limitations, so that means I get to meet fictional characters such as the Mikaelson family, the Golden Trio, Sirius Black, the Avengers, the Joker (he wouldn't kill me), and Hannibal Lecter (he also wouldn't kill me) to name a few.

7. Disney World

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Bring on the magic! I want to go to Disney World and not have to wait in any lines. That would be a perfect day.

8. Learn a New Language

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If I could learn how to speak French or German in a day that would be amazing.

9. Queen Concert

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If I could close out the day by traveling back in time to see a Queen concert with Freddie Mercury back on stage that would be the perfect end to the perfect day.

10. Happiness

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If everyone that I love was completely happy, with no stresses holding them down, for just one day that would definitely be a part of my perfect day.

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