She's The Type Of Girl I Hope I'll Never Be

I am so independent and that's the only way I know how to be. Independence was encouraged, and of all the things I felt that I needed to defy, that wasn't something I ever questioned. Sometimes I fear I'll never be able to be taken care of the way a person needs to be. No one should have to do everything completely on their own, but that's the path I'm currently on.

Because what scares me more than being alone is being that girl who can't be alone.

That girl who can't stand on her own two feet for too long because she'll lose her way.

That girl who puts her life on hold and doesn't go after exactly what she wants.

She's that girl who only sees herself, along with the rest of the world, through the eyes of a guy. Her judgment is clouded and she just doesn't know it.

I despise that girl.

That girl who doesn't receive all the love she gives out, but only because she isn't distributing it properly, not because she doesn't deserve it.

The girl whose standards are impossibly low, and yet she still finds herself settling.

The girl who steps around everyone's feelings while hers are stomped all over. She fights for attention in all the wrong places from all the wrong people. She's sat all her friends on the back burner until she thinks she'll need them, not realizing they won't be waiting for her return.

I don't want to ever become that girl who thinks the world revolves around her and that she'll have many forevers.

She doesn't realize that time stops for everyone and we only get what we get. She puts everything off until later and she will until there are no laters left.

But "that girl" I'm afraid of isn't any one girl.

She's not the enemy. THAT girl is all the parts of us we run from. It's the other conscious that tries to be louder. It's all the inner thoughts we have to shove aside to get to all the things we aspire to be. That girl might be strong, but I'm stronger.

I don't want to be bitter in my walk through life just because it gets a little lonely. And I don't want to compare myself to or compete with THAT girl.

I want to be the girl with the voice and opinions. I want to know I don't have to do everything on my own, but if I had to, I could do it all better than I could with somebody else holding my hand. I want to be able to balance my life without anyone picking up the slack. I want to fully reciprocate every bit of love I am lucky enough to get. I never want to think settling is acceptable.

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