The past two weeks have been hard. I had surgery due to a pre-existing issue, I've had to take time off work and rest too much for me to handle. When I have time off, I'm able to think about everything; and let me tell you, once I start, I don't stop. For example, I keep forgetting that I'm only 19 and life isn’t going to be perfect right now. It feels like, as I look around, so many people have these ideal lives and live in pretty houses. It doesn’t matter if it’s on TV or social media, it leaves me feeling stuck, restless and like a failure.

Ever since middle school, I've been hung up on this flawless life that I want. It starts by living in New York City, attending school and then something in politics or become a public figure for who knows what. I'll then have my cute little 3 bedroom brownstone in Brooklyn and love my life. Maybe I'll become friends with Lady Gaga and babysit for Neil Patrick Harris (That's a bit much, but let me dream.)

Once I think of something, I can't get my mind off of it; it engulfs me. Even if it's not about the glamorous life, I still end up digging into a depressive state from overthinking and truly become my worst enemy. Like others, I end up comparing myself to the images portrayed all around me. It’s all about the glitz and model lifestyle that so many try to attain.

As I write this article (and from thinking the past few days after becoming a bit more level-headed), I start to see the superficiality in it all. We live in a culture that is quite obsessed with fame, money and an abundance of nonsense. That's not a dig at celebrities as some work hard to make a difference, but not all do. We consume more than we can handle.

As I read about events going on across the world, and even in the States, it’s difficult to comprehend the paradox of circumstances. I find myself stuck worrying about making enough money to buy something I want while Syrian refugees are worried about finding shelter, food and their overall health and safety. I feel like I’ll be alone forever sometimes while there are children as young as nine being married off to old men. In the states, poverty is a major issue. People working a 40-hour work week still can’t provide enough for their family. Some don’t even have access to clean water. Some are experiencing brutality because of who they are. Everything starts to seem so small and feel so privileged in comparison.

I’ve found myself trying to become more aware. I want to be able to be grateful for what I have and live in the present because I miss so much of what is in front of me. Maybe it’ll teach why it’s important to be conscious of what’s happening in the world. I want to believe that eventually I’ll be the very best version of me and not one that is caught up in the love affair of perfection and babble; just someone that is alive and true.