There's always been a part of me that was afraid of letting anyone too close out of fear that they would discover that underneath the beauty that captivates them externally, was a scared and broken little girl who never believed she was worthy to be loved. Seeds planted by a verbally abusive mother whose only way to vocalize her frustration at a husband that was deployed, was belittling the one who looked just like him. Fat and ugly were the seeds that were planted and led to destructive behaviors.
I hated what I saw in the mirror. In an effort to become more visually appealing and perhaps worthy of her love, I became anorexic. The outside changed. I started to gain validation from others, I wanted validation from my mother. I wanted my father to hold me in his lap and call me beautiful. I never saw my beauty through my own eyes. I looked for love and settled in love with men that didn't deserve me. The men who saw through my perfectly constructed visage ans acknowledged my inner beauty scared the hell out of me.
Those were the ones I feared the most. I'm not worthy of that kind of love. The love that makes you hold me when I push you away, the love that sees beauty in my imperfections, the love that won't give up on me even when I have given up on myself. I pushed away out of fear that I would destroy their purity, break their spirit, and cause them to rethink ever foolishly falling in love with a broken woman again. I'm broken, my spirit shattered, a skeptic of love. A beautiful contradiction.
I yearn to love and be loved, but I fear he will find the broken pieces of my heart and discover what I have always known, I'm unlovable, I'm broken, and I'm not worth it. I yearn for one man who won't give up on me. The one who will reassure my doubts, calm my insecurities, teach me how to love and give love in return. I want my fairytale. I want my Prince Charming but what is it worth if loving me kills him in the process?