There were days... actually, weeks I did not think I could win the battle. Battling with a mental illness is the hardest battle I have ever fought. Aside from my parents, no one knew. No one knew the thoughts that were racing through my head constantly, the never-ending feeling of loneliness, the hurt of always believing you are the target of every joke.
Depression is real.
The end of my junior year until just about my graduation day of high school, I had to fight with everything in me for my life, because there was a bug in head telling me to give up every single day. I had always had friends, not a ton, but a few very close ones who I was unawarely dependent on. Even my best friends had no idea I was fighting this battle. While they had accusations, they never would have guessed me to be depressed. For crying out loud, I was what seemed normal teenager. I was cheer captain, I loved dogs, I was a social butterfly.
Depression does not discriminate.
As the year progressed, my life felt as if it was on a downward spiral. I was fighting with my friends because I was constantly feeling left out which ultimately lead to the end of majority of my friendships. My parents' marriage headed downwards, causing me to not be the center of their attention anymore. My brother left for college and started a completely new life. All that was left in my eyes was me and what I was hearing in my head. I can remember many nights staying up all night because the tears just would not stop coming, then waking up for school and faking a smile all day as if I was perfectly happy.
I could not find a reason why anyone needed me. I began finding what I thought was happiness, but it never lasted. They always left me, and I was right back to where I started: rock bottom. I used to beg and pray to make it through this so I could move out and start fresh in college. I was completely dependent on finding happiness in a town where I knew no one.
I was the darkest place I could have ever been.
But I got out.
Romans 8:18 was my go-to: "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
I finally stopped relying on others to make me happy. I found true happiness in myself. I am completely content with being alone. I used to hate staying home alone two years ago, but now it is not a problem, because I found myself.
Keep pushing, keep setting those alarms, and keep making yourself get up, because you're here for a reason. Even if you can't see it yet, someone else can.
I found out more about myself in the last two years than most people do in their entire lives. I am so thankful for the struggles that I had to go through to get to where I am now. I am me, because once upon a time I was a 17-year-old who didn't think her life was worth living.
I believe in you.
Kick depression's ass!