America, we are gathered here today to remember a true hero amongst the youth community. You know who I’m talking about. The one, the only, Mr. Shia LaBeouf. For those of you who don’t know this brilliant actor/artist/true American hero, let me just ask... Where are you from? Do you come in peace? Is this an "Independence Day" type deal because I don’t know if my schedule can handle a full on "Decepticon" invasion right now.

Look, I understand that Shia has made some mistakes (several pretty large ones at that), but by this point, you should KNOW that he has paid his debt to culture. From his poo-poo “performance art” and telling you to “JUST DO IT, #NIKE,” Shia has reminded the world (and an entire species of transformable vehicles) that we fall from glory so that we can become the greatest of memes, YouTube edits, and cannibalistic theater artists.

If you’re a woman, you want to be with Shia. If you’re a man, you want to be Shia. If you’re an average Canadian walrus, you want to pierce his body and eat it so you can store up blubber for the long Canadian winter months. I know you (and everything that has, is, and will exist in this universe) want to be like Shia. That is why he has unofficially knighted me SS (short for Shia Son) and appointed me as his personal protection squadron. I am here to tell you how to be more like world-hero-legend Shia LaBeouf.

STEP 1: Become a famous child actor

You can’t truly know fame unless you’re a kid in the biz. If you are not a child actor by the time you are 12, sorry, you lose 13 Shia points.

STEP 2: Spit like a champion

Shia is the best at spitting on camera. Don’t believe me? Watch "Disturbia" after the car crash. When Shia crawls out from his totaled car on his back, he yells a painful yell, resulting in a glob of spit going straight up about a foot and falling on his own face. If you’re afraid of spit, I’m sorry, you lose another 13 Shia points.

STEP 4: Lose your mind (ever so briefly)

Perhaps Shia’s darkest moment was his best. When accused (and proven guilty) of plagiarism, he lost his goddamn mind. His apology on Twitter for plagiarism was plagiarised. Don’t fret, losing your mind only hurts for 2 seconds and then you go to step 5. (Keep it brief! If you lose your mind for longer than 2 seconds you lose 13 more Shia points!)

STEP 5: Save Optimus Prime

I know, I know. This step is hard. Not only are the Decepticons and Autobots so freakishly huge that just being in the middle of a fight will result in a most certain death, but also... they aren’t real. But hey, perhaps you can do this when your mind is frenzied over the tragic loss of 39 Shia points! SHIA DID IT 3 TIMES WITHOUT LOSING A SINGLE SHIA POINT!

Here’s a tip: When your mind goes into the LBV (LaBeouf Vortex), make sure you take a shard of the All Spark to generate enough Energon to pull you into the world, then properly plunge the Matrix into Prime’s chest.

STEP 3: THE LOST STEP

I didn’t include this at first because I thought it was impossible, but Shia told me to tell you guys about it in last night’s bimonthly “Shia ‘State of the Looneybin’ Address™”. So here it is:

BE SHIA LABEOUF

You might say, “But, Justice, that’s just my dream...I can’t do THAT!” If you have said this, then you haven’t truly listened to the words of Shia. (-13 Shia points.) JUST DO IT. NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. THE MORE OFTEN YOU DO IT, THE MORE LIGHT THERE WILL BE.

Thank you for your time, Live long and be Shia LaBeouf… #nike#shiaislove#shiaislife

• 13x13^13.33333333 Shia points