Yes, I know I should not be embarrassed by my body and there is no such thing as a "summer body."
However, since I was in grammar school I hated the way I looked in bathing suits especially when other girls looked so amazing frolicking in the sand. I would wear summer dresses or oversized T-shirts even in the water.
I envy all the confident girls in all shapes and sizes that confidently wear bathing suits in the summer.
I have tried to wear a one piece, but after a few minutes, I felt like everyone was staring so I quickly put my oversized shirt on. I know that it was all in my head, but I felt like I could not compare to the other girls who got the stares and compliments. I have heard all the speeches and all my friends have all given me the pep talks about body positivity, but nothing sticks to me.
The body positivity movement is so amazing and it encourages girls that their bodies are perfect the way they are, so I feel like a huge hypocrite that I am constantly dieting or hiding the parts of my body I am ashamed of.
For three years I refused to go to the beach (or should I say, the lake in downtown Chicago) because it was emotional torture sitting in my beach chair with my oversize shirt seeing all the girls I wish I looked like. By the time I got home, I would be on the verge of tears. Till this day I hate going to the beach and I still hate having to take my bathing suit cover-up off before I go into the water. But the preparation for bikini season or summer body seasons is year-round for me. I try to exercise for 2-3 hours every six days of the week and make sure I eat a certain amount of calories per day.
Even if I lost the weight I desired, I still felt hopeless and I know this summer is going to be the same.
My friends are all thin and look amazing in bathing suits, so standing next to them quite frankly makes me feel like a whale.
This might be in my head, but it is hard to shake off that feeling that I do not compare to my friends or any other girls with teeny bikinis.
This feeling also transfers to spaghetti straps or crop tops. The last time I had thin arms was when I was seven and then my arms transformed into chubby arms. I hate the sight of my big arms and thin wrists. Every summer I summon the courage to wear spaghetti straps and then poof it is gone when I see other beautiful women with thin arms. Skinny arms do not equal beauty nor that any woman is more attractive because they have skinny arms. In my head, I feel much uglier so I stick to my oversized shirts or summer dresses that have short sleeves.
To all the other girls who feel the same, remember that it is all in your head. You are beautiful the way that you are. Make sure that you are kind to yourself this summer.