Many people say that everyone should have at least one job in the service industry at one point in his or her life. It’s important to thank everyone for their service to you whether they are a caterer or a cop. Upon turning 21, I decided that I should take the world’s advice and apply for the bartender job at the local pub.

As a bartender, I have not only concocted delicious alcoholic beverages, but also learned many lessons about today’s future of America as well as the already hardworking white-collar and blue-collar crowd. Judgment has never been in my nature, and I have never been a particularly judgmental person, but being the person behind the bar instead of ordering has created some serious images that I cannot un-see. It is because of these that most bartenders have an innate ability to determine personality characteristics just by a drink order.


1. Old Fashioned.
A classic drink that is mostly appreciated by a hard worker who can confidently come to the bar by himself, after a long day at work

2. Vodka & Mixer.
You are not invincible and I can’t wait to call you a cab in about an hour.

3. Martini.
You are on a power trip and like to sound pretentious. When you find out there is gin in this, do not hand it back to me.

4. Jaeger Bomb.
You’re a washed up frat star, that just cant quite let go yet.

5. Whiskey; Neat.
Here is my phone number

6. Guinness.
Sure, spend eight dollars on a beer that resembles liquid shit.

7. Whiskey On The Rocks.
You are probably are going to start a fight with a guy on the way out, you’re slightly insecure you can’t take it neat and need an additional splash of water to numb your taste buds.

8. Fireball & Mixer.
You are most likely in a crop top and your octaves are three notches too high.

9. Any Drink With Kahlua In It.
You have no idea what you’re doing.

10. Margaritas.
The perpetual party girl and spring breaker. Tequila is for dancing.

11. Sours.
You probably just turned 21, enjoy your hangover.


There ya have it bar-goers. You have been judged.