I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder when I was a senior in high school. What had preceded that was months of off days and moments of panic over simple concepts. If I couldn't understand my math homework, my chest would tighten at the thought of a low homework grade. The noise on the school bus at the end of the day was enough to close my airway. The hallways were always too thin and the crushing lack of space made me wish I were invisible, that I was somewhere far away.
I thought getting out of there and into college would automatically fix things. I thought I could just throw old Sarah and her anxiety away to start over again as a new person. I thought I could turn the canvas over and pretend the front was blank.
My first class in college, though, the professor had us go around answering the same question. I planned my answer, but when my time came my voice shriveled up and died. The familiar tightness filled my chest.
Old Sarah was back and playing the same game she'd been playing for years. I stuttered through half an answer before the professor cut me off and faked a rant. He pretended that he'd forgotten to let me finish and went on to the next student.
I realized then that I couldn't just throw my anxiety away because I wanted to. I had to work with it, find ways to work through it.
I started working so hard inside and outside of therapy. I learned to analyze situations that make me anxious to figure out why I felt that way at that moment. I did so much Google searching for ways to ground myself and bring myself back to reality. I practiced breathing exercises and came up with calming mantras. I started giving myself more time to do my assignments. I learned when interaction was enough and what places to avoid.
It's been two years since I graduated high school, and my anxiety still lives with me. I'm still ready to pull my hair out when I don't understand a concept for school. I can't tell you how many times my chest and throat have tightened to the point of pain while I'm at work. If a car gets a little too close for my liking, I brace for impact. I can't stand having people sitting beside me on the bus and have to carry a set of headphones in case it's too loud on the bus ride.
The difference between these two years is that I've learned how to balance. I've learned how to identify my triggers and the moments of anxiety. I've learned how to counteract my anxiety and focus on calming. It may take a little time, but I can help hold off my anxiety for a later time or sometimes even stop it all together.
This has all been a journey that I continue every day, but I'm getting better at balancing.