City Life Has Me Reaching Out For My Hometown Every Day I'm Away

City Life Has Me Reaching Out For My Hometown Every Day I'm Away

I couldn't wait to leave and now I can't wait to go back.

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Every college kid knows the story. When it's almost time to go away to college, you start to get that itch. You're excited to leave home and start out on your own, you start to get tired of your boring hometown, and you end up forgetting what you love in your rush to leave.

I spent an extra year and a half at home when I went to community college, so my desire to leave was much stronger. When I got to Towson, I was completely engrossed in the city. I was all into finding places I'd need to go, learning my way around, and adapting my life to this new, loud, exciting place.

There are a lot of things I miss about home that I took for granted until I moved to the city.

I don't mind Towson. I live in a pretty decent area and obviously, the campus is safe. But the city is loud, crowded, dirty, and sometimes dangerous. I can hear the other residents of my apartment building stomping and yelling at all hours of the day. Trying to make the 7-minute drive to my tanning salon can turn into a 20-minute ordeal on a busy day. Walking anywhere outside of campus is walking along a trail of litter that people were too lazy to hold until the next trashcan a block away. I get alerts from the university about crime almost every other week, it feels. When I have to walk at night, I keep my keys gripped between my fingers.

I'm from a small town in northeastern Maryland. It's small and it's boring, but it's safe, and there are so many things I miss about it.

I miss how quiet the roads were compared to Towson. Driving from my house to my boyfriend's house or my best friend's house on the backroads was always so peaceful, and I miss not being angry at every other driver on the road for being in my way. Even the busiest roads at home have nothing on York Road after 4 pm.

I miss the farms and the fields. They usually stunk of cow manure, but there was something about the way the sunset over them in the evenings that always captivated me. I also miss watching all of the cows grazings. If I stopped on the road to watch them, usually no one would come up behind me and I could just sit with them for a minute (I really like cows and this was a regular occurrence).

One of the things I most looked forward to about leaving was not being known, but after almost 3 months of knowing no one, I miss the comfort and familiarity of seeing people I know everywhere I went.

I miss the Mexican restaurant in town, which is still the best Mexican I've ever had. Even though the town itself was very boring, we were always within half an hour of something else to do.

I miss the church we went to every Sunday, and all of the breakfast places we would go to if we had time afterward.

I think more than anything, I miss the little moments and memories I have from my hometown. Of course, I miss all of my family and my dogs. But it's the little moments that seem insignificant at the time that I miss the most now.

Cruising down the road listening to country music in the truck. Knowing exactly where I'm going. Stopping at the grocery store for a donut. Going to the pizza place at night when there's nothing better to do. Taking a long way home and not having to worry about getting lost. Seeing all of the bunnies in my yard when I get home late.

I like the city and I realize I'll probably have to live here for a while when I start my career. My hometown will always hold a special place in my heart, and I cherish the few moments I get to go home now more than ever.

I always said I didn't want to raise my future family in my hometown, but living away from it has made me realize it was one of the best places to grow up.

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To The Girl Who Always Feels Left Out

Maybe next time...
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To the girl who always feels left out,

Girl, let me just tell you, I know the feeling. It feels as though my whole life, I have been that girl. You know that feeling when you are standing in a group of people and someone comes up and asks everyone to go to lunch in that group... But you?

Or they make it even worse by saying "Oh, I guess you can come too." You guess I can come to?

No, thank you.

At that point, you feel like the only reason you are being invited is that they feel like they have to. Which more than likely is actually the case. What about when you ask your friend to hang out and she can't because she will be doing homework all night? However, an hour later, you see her with your other best friend. Oh okay cool, sorry for bothering you with my friendship.

You know you are the girl who is always left out when you are the designated "photographer" or you have to specifically ask if you can take a picture with them because they are obviously done taking pictures and did not want one with you.

SEE ALSO: To The Girls Who 'Float' Between Friend Groups

We all know "Hey, will you take this picture of us?" all too well. Am I right, ladies? Oh yeah, it is fine. I hate being in pictures. I definitely hate taking pictures to remember this wonderful time I'm having.

What about when you and your friends discuss doing something later during the week and you ask about it but "It's probably not happening anymore." Then you check and would you look at that, your "friends" are having fun without you.

Shocker.

Oh but don't worry about it, I had things to do anyway. You know, clean the house, work on homework that is due next week, binge-watch The Office for the third time this week. Fun stuff. Oh and better yet when you see your friends are hanging out without you. The next time they see you, they talk about how much fun they had.

Oh yes, please tell me about how much fun you had without me. I totally enjoy hearing about how "I totally missed out" and "I should have come." Well, an invite would have been well appreciated. But maybe next time, right? Wrong.


Yeah, I know what you are thinking, "Wow this girl is being so petty." Well if you are thinking that, then you obviously do not know the feeling. And to think about it, you probably are not the one in the friend group who is being left out. So think about who that person is and make them feel included next time. It would be greatly appreciated. You do not know how much of a difference it could make.

Yes, I know everyone feels left out sometimes, but time after time, it starts to get really old. Then after you have to start inviting yourself to hang out with people, you realize well since they are not inviting me themselves, maybe they don't want me here. And then surprisingly, you stop hanging out with them. Hmmm, I wonder what could've possibly happened.


Yes, I know, most people do not do this on purpose. I am sure I have even done it once or twice without realizing it, and I am truly sorry.

From one left out girl to another,

Good Luck

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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The Shape Of The Monster: Depression

The second piece in a series about mental illness.

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The last thing I want to do is glorify mental illness, give it a platform, give it a name. But I need to talk about it, to work through it, to show that it's something many people experience.

It goes like this.

Hey! Sorry I haven't called you back. Everything has been so busy.

Every time I think about even picking up the phone and calling you, something heavy but familiar sets in my stomach like a weight.

You know how things get.

You know how easy it is to want to slip into absolute nothingness, right?

I've been trying to write, but my writer's block has been limiting me a lot.

Everything I write is so bad. The flow is off. It doesn't sound like me. It feels so crooked and wrong. I can't do anything right.

How are things? Has work been alright?

I hope you feel successful. I hope things are easier for you. I hope you are as happy as you seem.

I'm okay.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I feel crooked and wrong like I just want to scream and cry and dissolve.

I've just been so tired!

I have been tired for at least a decade. Tired of never sleeping. Tired of never feeling anything more than either absolute devastation and absolute nothingness. Tired. Tired. Tired.

I hope I can see you soon.

I hope I can bring myself to get out of bed and out into the world. I hope I can force myself to shower, and get dressed, and be a contributor to society, to social obligations.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I love you.

I love you.

I promise to call as soon as things lighten up a bit.

As long as the chemical imbalance doesn't destroy me altogether, hopefully, I can feign vague interest for a short phone call.

Goodbye.

Goodbye for now, maybe goodbye forever, maybe I'll work up the courage to call you in another 2, 5, 7 weeks or so. My life is made of "maybes." Maybe one-day things will be better. Maybe one day I'll be happy. Maybe one day I won't be anything. Maybe.

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