If you’ve been following current events lately, you’ve probably noticed the ever-building wave of sexual assault allegations against powerful men in the entertainment industry. Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, and Louis CK are just a few of the men who’ve recently been accused of abusing their power to sexually harass and assault numerous men and women. As the pressure mounted and formal apologies were issued, I couldn’t help but notice a disturbing, pervasive theme to how the allegations were being handled by the perpetrators – no one was accepting full and total responsibility of the damage they have caused.
Sure there were apologies, but they were hollow. They skirted around the issue or outright denied the worst of the allegations. They blamed sexual addiction, they claimed they were a product of their time or industry, they had no memory of the events but were sorry if anyone was hurt. In Spacey’s case, a perpetrator even hid behind his sexual orientation to excuse his abuse (a disgusting slight against the LGBT+ community). In a steaming cesspool of excuses it was hard to find a single genuine apology, or at least one that wasn’t followed up with “I’m gonna be a really great guy from now on, though, just wait!”
When actor Kevin Spacey was accused by fellow actor Anthony Rapp of sexual assault, Spacey’s response was the ultimate in offensive cop-outs; not only did he pull the “well I don’t remember it like that” card, he tried to excuse his actions by stating that he was struggling with his sexuality and used his sexual assault apology to come out of the closet. Spacey said in his official statement that he was “beyond horrified to hear [Rapp’s] story,” and that he “[did] not remember” his “deeply inappropriate drunken behavior” as it “would have been over 30 years ago.” He goes on to say that he has been “encouraged” by Rapp’s story (how on earth could you paint this as encouraging in any way??) to “live as a gay man… honestly and openly.” Many on social media saw Spacey’s coming out as a diversion tactic, a way of taking the negative accusations about him and morphing it into a situation in which he can garner sympathy for himself. Trans activist Ashlee Marie Preston, lesbian comedian Wanda Sykes, and Daily Kos editor David Beard are just a few public voices who have accused Spacey of “hiding under the rainbow” and “conflating sexuality with the molestation of a minor.” Spacey’s hit Netflix series House of Cards was cancelled following its upcoming sixth season in the wake of the assault allegations, but we have yet to see the actor actually take responsibility for his actions in a way that shows genuine remorse.
Spacey isn’t the only one using diversion tactics, either. When Brand New frontman Jesse Lacey was accused last week of several inappropriate relationships with women under the age of 18, he apologized for infidelity and hurting feelings – not for sexual contact with teenaged girls. I was upset to hear that a musician whose work I’d recently begun to appreciate had done such a thing, but it became ten times worse when he refused to acknowledge the extent of the relationships or the ages of the women involved. In a Facebook statement issued November 11, Lacey apologized for the way in which he “hurt people, mistreated them, lied, and cheated,” and claimed to have “a dependent and addictive relationship with sex.” There was no mention of “by the way, she was fifteen.” While he seems remorseful and admits that he has, in the years since the alleged incidents, received treatment for his claimed sexual addiction, he still refuses to acknowledge that it was teenagers that he had contacted for nude photographs and lewd Skype calls. His full statement is heartfelt, so why do I still feel like it isn’t enough? Why does he dodge around admitting, specifically, what he did? Why does he turn to sexual addiction, an excuse Weinstein used when accused of similar misconduct, to explain away his actions?
You may be reading this and thinking to yourself, “Okay, yes, these were all awful ways to apologize. But is there a right way to say you’re sorry for sexually assaulting or harassing someone?” Well, to put it simply, yes. And the right way to apologize for such behavior is to keep it simple. A perpetrator of sexual assault and / or harassment should not try to explain why they did what they did. They should not use it as an opportunity to reflect on themselves and their behavior (especially not if they are going to throw the LGBT+ community under the bus, like Spacey), because it’s not about them, not anymore; they owe it to their survivors to hand back the power they took away, and that means stepping out of the spotlight. They should not skirt around the issue, deny anything, try to gain sympathy, or give us a roadmap to their decision to abuse someone – they should just say they’re sorry.
Sexual assault is entirely inexcusable, but perpetrators who admit their wrongdoings and apologize can open the door to healing for the people they’ve hurt; they cannot undo what they’ve done, but they can take it upon themselves to own up to those decisions and allow their victims the peace of moving on with their lives. Comedian Louis CK did something of this nature when he was accused of exposing himself inappropriately to six different women – he admitted to his behavior and was specific, he acknowledged that his position of power allowed him to commit the act and get away with it (although, he did frame his response in a way that suggested it was because these women "admired" him that he could do this rather than because he had the power to decide the fate of their careers, something he has since been criticized for), and he extended his apology to everyone else he had indirectly hurt with his actions. He didn’t leave anything out, ask us to feel bad for him, or try to explain his behavior in any way, and even (albeit only partially) admitted that he had abused his power as a celebrity to walk away from those encounters unscathed. There is absolutely no excuse for sexual assault, but there is a right way to admit to it, and to take some of the burden off of victims by giving them the freedom to tell their story and have it believed. They can give back the power they’ve unjustly stolen, and that allows survivors to move on and heal.
The bottom line? Apologizing for sexual assault should be about giving freedom and closure to the people who have been hurt, not about excusing the perpetrator's actions. Perpetrators of assault owe it to survivors to admit responsibility and then step down and let the survivor do with it what they wish. They should not expect forgiveness, they should not try to justify the experience. It's no longer their story to tell - it never was in the first place - so it's high time famous men stopped speaking for their victims.