To Anyone Who Thinks Committing Suicide is The Easy Way Out,

You are wrong.

Mental health, particularly suicide, is a serious and relevant topic in our world today, but it's not treated like that. Instead, it's portrayed as a burden or a weakness, which doesn't make anyone feel comfortable asking for help.

The fact that someone feels like they need to go this far to escape the pain or the numbness, being so hurt that you stop feeling anything, is a problem. And this isn't on the victim, it's on all of us, for not picking up on it or ignoring it.

Some people even think of suicide as a joke, when in fact, it is literally life and death. And I am completely jealous of these people that are able to live in a parallel reality where this pain and tragedy is nothing more than a joke.

I, however, live in this reality where mental illnesses are real. I have had depression for the past four years and been on every single antidepressant ever made, but I still feel broken.

And because of this pain and emptiness, you telling me that it gets better or that there is a plan for me makes me want to spit in your face. because there hasn't been a day where I didn't wish to be gone.

I don't mean that I'm just having a bad day and wish I could erase the past 24 hours. I am saying that the pain has been so bad at some points that I would do anything to make it end. For so many people, that means just ending it all.

People who commit or even think of committing suicide have often been through such traumatic experiences: war, bullying, diseases, losses and so much more. No matter how hard you try to justify these as being manageable to a human, you can't, because you don't know how it can affect someone.

If you looked at me, you probably wouldn't see someone dying inside. You wouldn't see someone holding back the tears every second of the day. You wouldn't see someone who looks forward to the end of the day where they can sleep and forget about all the pain, even if it's just for a few hours.

You see a teenage girl with two parents who love her and is attending one of the best liberal art schools in the state. You see the smile and the laughing, but not the frowns or disappointment.

What if I told you that was all a lie?

Because it is. I have been so close to deciding to end it all, but you wouldn't know that because I don't want to burden anyone, even though I'm dying inside.

Now imagine that you know my history, the concussions, the cancer, death of my brothers and everything else.

Doi sound like someone who is weak?

Think about someone who is in the military, having seen so much trauma that they come back and commit suicide. They fought on the frontlines for our freedom, day in and day out. Do they seem weak?

No, because they aren't.

If you think suicide is selfish, think about it this way. When the pain becomes unbearable after a broken leg, you do anything you can to make the pain go away, right? The same is with mental illnesses. In fact, to some people, they feel like it would be easier for everyone else because they no longer have to deal with the burden.

Killing yourself is not an easy way out, it's a fight between wondering if it could get better and believing that your fate is sealed.

Pulling the trigger or taking the pills is permanent and nothing about that is easy.

Sincerely,

Someone Close to Her Breaking Point