Dear Family, Friend, Lover or Reader,

It starts the moment I wake up. I feel it in my chest, where the tension makes it hard to breathe. My stomach hurts, which is a normal for me. My whole body feels unsteady. My mind is on high alert, and my head spins as I think about the day that lies ahead of me. The funny thing that strikes me is that my day is stress-free, yet I still feel it linger there. I feel it wrapping its fingers around my neck, around my mind, around my life: anxiety. It’s there, and it’s not leaving. It’s not pretty, and I know I’m a mess, but it’s the truth; this is who I am.

This has been my life for a very long time. I’ve struggled with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and OCD since I was five years old. This year, Panic Disorder was added to my list. At first, it was a hushed thing in my life. I tried to hide it from my friends, tried keeping who I was to myself, a hidden secret for only me to know.

It was hard being different. No one understood why I was the way I was or how to act around me. My OCD made me fix things constantly, retrace steps, and play counting games. My anxiety always had me worrying about something, always stressed, and always on edge. It was hard to socialize when my life always seemed to be an upside down version of my friends.' I always wished that people would just understand me.

Something important to know about anxiety is that it’s both physical and mental. I can’t tell you how many times people have told me “It’s just in your head.” That’s not true. Anxiety can cause actual physical symptoms. It's not that I just think something hurts, it actually does hurt. Please don't doubt me when I tell you something's wrong.

Another thing that I’d like you to know is that anxiety doesn’t always have a reason. Sometimes it just exists, and sometimes it comes out of nowhere. Often, you won't even know that I’m having anxiety or a panic attack, because I don’t bother telling you. It’s something I just have to live with.

Anxiety is like drowning. The panic consumes your mind, and focusing on anything else is out of the question. We all have different ways of dealing with it, so please be understanding. I don’t want my anxiety any more than you want to deal with it.

Although my journey hasn’t been easy, it’s taught me a couple of important lessons. I’ve learned to embrace who I am. I’ve learned to love being different, because who wants to be the same? Most importantly, I’ve learned a lot about happiness. When life itself seemed to drain from me, I valued it immensely when it returned.

Sometimes, it’s hard for people with mental illnesses to ask for help. Don’t always make us ask for help. Please try to understand that although we’re different, we’re still us, and we still need you.

With love,

Still Me