Anxiety: The Shape-Shifter

Anxiety: The Shape-Shifter

“One day it’s as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear; The next, it’s the bear.” -Sabrina Benaim

Sometimes I feel like a broken glass. I feel as if I have shattered into hundreds and thousands of different pieces. I see myself scattered on the ground so helplessly. I quickly pick up the pieces that I can find, cutting my hands on the sharp edges along the way. Through the water in my eyes, I try carefully to put myself back together - gluing different pieces in places I feel fit nicely with one another. After what feels like years of trying to perfect myself I look in the mirror, I am not the same glass I was before. I look as if a someone was forced to wear a blindfold while trying to put a puzzle together. I can see where the pieces don’t quite fit right, there are holes - I feel like people see right through me.

Sometimes I feel like a ticking time bomb. I feel as if I were to make a wrong move I could explode hurting those around me. I can feel my whole body ticking as the world closes in around me making me feel smaller than I already do. The thoughts consume my head. Dread, fear, and worry creep into my mind so much more as the clock on my timer gets closer to 00:00:00. Ideas of imperfect situations dance through my thoughts like they're performing to a melody. I want to try to fix what I can - if only I had the time. My heart starts pounding, the ticking is getting louder and louder in my ears. BOOM! Nothing feels right and I am hopeless. The timer restarts.

Sometimes I feel like an old dam. I feel as if I am not strong enough to hold the water pressing on me. “Hold it in! Don’t let it bother you.” These are the words of encouragement I hear. But, it’s hard… don’t you see? I’m trying! This barrier is old and I am getting tired, so very tired. I’m not sure I can hold this in much longer. Can’t you help me? ~Silence~ And just like that, I’m crying. My walls have broken, and the water has burst through. Then they say I shouldn’t have a situation so little affect something so much more important. I wish they could have seen the parts of my barrier that weren’t all that sturdy anymore, maybe then they would have understood.

Sometimes I feel like a puppy. I feel as if I cling to those I'm close with to feel loved. I am constantly looking for affection and longing for someone to need me. I am worried when people leave because I'm not sure they'll come back. Usually, they do, but I'm too stubborn to force myself to believe it. I am always there when you need me and love to feel loved. Those who love me know I love them more than anything in this world. I am scared to lose them like a new puppy is scared to be taken from their mother. I wish those around me understood how I feel, I wish they weren't upset with the crying and whining when they leave. I wish they longed to see me like I long to see them.

Sometimes I know people don't understand how I am feeling, and I need them to know that's alright. But, what I also need them to understand is that I am allowed to feel the way I am feeling because I know that I will eventually be okay.

“Anxiety is the cousin visiting town that depression felt obligated to bring to the party. I am the party.” -Sabrina Benaim

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