Anxiety. Something that has held me back more times than I should of let it. I’m guilty of not opening up about it because I'm not someone who is open to talking about it nor am I open to talking a lot about myself or life. I've always been on the more quiet and reserved side when it comes to myself.

Let’s backtrack here. I remember when I was around 4-5 I was super shy and would hide behind my mom but then as I went through my early elementary years I became outgoing. It was as if I never experienced shyness a day in my life because I would make friends instantly and could talk an ear off five minutes after I met you.

But, somewhere along the line my personality sort of just changed.

I’m not sure what happened, but it seemed as when I was going through middle school and began to transition over into high school I just became, well, reclusive. And I started to experience more anxiety for even the simplest of things. There was a time when I only experienced some type of anxiety when having to give a class presentation.

But now I was starting to fret the small things and freak out about simple tasks. It came to the point where I felt like I wasn’t cable of ordering my own food or to participate in class. And as I sit here, and type this all I can think is "what went wrong?”

I remember one incident I experienced in middle school about the way I smiled. Someone was joking about the different shapes of chins at my lunch table, and this kid sat at the table and I’ve never really talked to him a day in my life because honestly, he was a jerk in middle school. But, he pointed out that when I smiled or laughed I had a small indent in the middle of my chin.

I was heartbroken.

For a while, whenever I did smile or laugh I would cover my mouth and chin with my hand. All because he chose to make fun of something that showed my happiness. No other mean comment about my body, personality or physical feature broke my heart as much as that one comment did.

Or how in 2nd grade, a boy pointed out how I’m not as skinny like the rest. I even had a teacher in middle school that whenever I or another student in the class needed help, she would answer our question with the same question we asked and get mad because we couldn’t answer it. There was a reason we did not understand the material in the first place.

Slowly I became quieter and would hide in baggy clothing or hide my smile behind my hand. I’ve never been one to get down on myself about my body, but I began to look in the mirror and dread the image looking back at me. All those times when I used to shove those rude, or just some type of degrading comment out of my mind, where starting to reappear.

Looking back, I’ve realized how I started to let those type of comments and experiences affect me. I was beginning to close off from people. Or rarely ever participating in class or being afraid to ask for help (even though I still did when I shaking with anxiety on the inside).

Maybe that's why I’m afraid to put myself out there because I’m afraid the person looking back at me is going to pick out my flaws just like those people in elementary and middle school did. Just imagine a second-grade little girl getting told about her weight. Or a middle schooler basically being told how my happiness is ugly. And how even when I’m a soon to be 19 years old and those type of moments still affect me.

Maybe those types of experiences are the reasons why people form anxiety. And sometimes, when dealing with anxiety it’s not even the experiences that’ll affect you. Sometimes it’ll just hit you for no reason at all and you begin to overthink everything you are going to do for the day or did. Anxiety can affect you in all aspects of everyday life.

I let my anxiety consume me. For a while, I would no longer tell my go-to besties everything. Or how I would never wear clothes that made me proud of my body. I would hide my happiness behind my hand for awhile, I no longer would raise my hand in class because I once had a teacher who made fun of me for saying something wrong. I no longer wore my heart on my sleeve because so-called friends became a quick “hello” in hallways.

Then one day I was just sort of like “Why do I care what others think of me? Or Why am I letting my anxiety control me?”. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t become this badass, self-loving and no longer anxiety driven person (which would be awesome). But, I’m still working on myself.

But, what I did is make sure to continue to surround myself with my friends who will last a lifetime, who didn’t care about my crazy, self-loving and loud personality. They didn't push me to tell them, but when I did they were always there for me whenever I would need to talk. I also began to wear outfits that made me start to fall in love with my body, even if it isn’t perfect. I began to be loud, and love whatever made me happy with my entire heart.

Don't get me wrong, I still deal with anxiety. Some days I wake up, and it’s so bad, sometimes for no reason at all, that I feel like puking and I end up not eating anything until evening or just having a quick snack. Some days it’s easier to deal with and be in a happy mindset.

Talking about anxiety, or well anything personal to me is not my cup tea nor will it ever be. But, knowing others deal with anxiety and are probably afraid to open up just like I am, makes shedding light on anxiety worth it.