I'm sorry

Sometimes when I talk,

I dig my nails into my palms so hard

That little red crescents form.

You see, I like talking to people

But not in front of people.

I'm sorry

When the professor asks a question

I do not raise my hand,

Instead I whisper under my breath

You see, I know the right answer,

But I am scared that maybe I don't.

I'm sorry

I cancelled our plans.

I showered, got dressed, did my hair…

And suddenly I felt sick

You see, I want to go to dinner,

But I do not know what I would order.

I'm sorry

I did not say "I love you"

The words sat on the tip of my tongue

But I could not make them pass my lips

You see, I do love you,

But I am terrified that you are lying.

I'm sorry

I can't sleep

I lay in bed and count sheep

My brain simply refuses to shut off

You see, I am exhausted

But if I close my eyes I think the world might end.

I'm sorry

For all the things my anxiety made me do.

For the missed dinners, the lost "I love yous",

The sleepless nights, the pacing.

You blame yourself, but I promise it is not you,

You didn't make me do anything

Everything is something my anxiety has made me do.