Anxiety. We all hear about it as being this regular inconvenience experienced by many. People even make jokes about it, like it's something so common and easy to deal with, like a paper cut. However, what those who are blessed to not have to suffer from anxiety every day of their lives don't know is that this runs far deeper than a paper cut.
I have dealt with mild to moderate anxiety for as long as I can remember. It has always been pretty manageable and I have led an amazing, fulfilling life so far even with it.
However, there have also been times where it hasn't been so manageable.
My anxiety really didn't become an issue until I hit the 3rd grade. I was just this small, shy child who couldn't understand why she would suffer from frequent dizzy spells or sometimes feel these waves of panic for no apparent reason. I remember the day I had my first full-blown panic attack:
It was during a movie event for the whole elementary school. We were all packed into the darkened auditorium where we were watching E.T.(that movie choice alone was enough to make me anxious) and all of a sudden, I started feeling panicky, shaky, and sweaty. I also started to have a cloudy vision and felt nauseous. I somehow managed to climb over the whole row of kids and ran out the doors of the auditorium.
I remember so vividly trying to drink some water from the water fountain in the lobby to calm myself down, but I was too weak. I collapsed on the floor, trembling with panic. Luckily, one of the teachers who was walking out of the auditorium at that time found me and ran me down to the nurse's office. My dad immediately came and took me home. I was fine, the nurses said, but that was the beginning of a long, bumpy road of appointments to figure out what was going on.
And to think that at the time the only thing I was upset about was that I had lost my new, heart-shaped blue earrings.
While my peers were at playdates, I was at psychology appointments. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder-big shocker there-but it was a good thing, though, since I learned how to manage my anxiety naturally and practiced different techniques to calm myself down. Life then continued on as normal and I learned how to manage both life and anxiety.
However, living with anxiety is like being at the mercy of the weather. You never know when you'll go from having a week of sunshine to a week of storms. It can come on with no warning, and sometimes for no reason at all, just like thunder.
Being a soon-to-be college graduate, to be honest, my anxiety is at the worst it's probably ever been in my life and I work hard every day to persevere through it. Some days I just want to scream due to the amount of stress and frustration I'm under, between finishing my required classes, applying for jobs, figuring out where I want to live, etc. There is so much pressure at this point in time and having to deal with anxiety on top of everything else can be difficult.
Anxiety is a complicated disorder, one that can affect you in many ways:
It's the days where you feel on top of the world, only to feel like the world is on top of you the next day.
It's feeling lethargic, tired, and weak for days on end, where even simple tasks such as brushing your hair feels as difficult as running a marathon.
It's also being able to get up at dawn, workout, get ready, and take on the day. Completing your assignments on time and maintaining good grades.
It's feeling like you're going to amount to nothing in life because you have let so many people's harsh criticisms get to you, triggering your own harsh self-criticisms.
It's also feeling like you have control of your life and are on your way to a great future with nothing stopping you, not opinions, not criticisms, not anything.
It's feeling like you're trapped in a box with no air in social situations, having to hide it the best you can to appear fine to everyone around you.
It's also joining friends for lunch in the crowded dining hall and talking and laughing with each other, feeling completely at ease.
It's mentally replaying conversations and interactions over and over again because you feel like everything you do and say comes across as awkward and weird.
It's also having an amazing night out with your friends and boldly going up to that cute someone to strike up a conversation, feeling confident and powerful.
It's not being able to get out of bed or even get dressed some days, where the only thing you will wear is sweats and you could give less of a crap about your appearance and responsibilities.
It's also being able to jump out of bed some days, get dolled up, and feel energetic and free.
It's remembering only the terrible parts of your past, and the dreading of what's to come.
It's also looking back proudly at all you have accomplished and feeling excited about the future.
It's part of my life.
However, I have not let anxiety keep me from accomplishing my goals, enjoying my life, and taking on every day with a positive attitude. I know that this is just an issue that I have to work through, and I am grateful for everyone in my life who has supported me.
Anxiety is no joke. And more people actually have it than one might think. Those of us with anxiety just try not to show it and appear as if everything is perfect, but no one's life is perfect and everyone is going through some difficulty in one form or another.
If you know someone with anxiety, don't tell them to change or to "stop worrying so much", it's beyond their control and they honestly can't just make it go away. All you can do is just be understanding and supportive.
If you are personally dealing with anxiety, know that there are resources out there to help you. And don't get angry at people who think they can "cure you" by telling you to "calm down" or "just stop it," let them know that it's something you need time to work through. And above all, remember,
You don't have to do this alone.