How Anxiety Affects The Way I Love

Have you ever felt like your entire world is crashing down on you for absolutely no reason? How about no matter how good something is going, you know deep down you are going to mess it up? Or feeling like everything they tell you is a lie even though you keep trying to convince yourself they are telling you the truth?

Anxiety does wonderful things like that while you're in a relationship. Its fan-freakin-tastic.

Anxiety can control how I act and feel during a relationship. And sometimes it isn't very pretty. It can make me think things that aren't true and make feel like things are how they really are.

Anxiety can effect the way I love because sometimes it controls me more than I would like to admit. As much as I wish I could turn it off, I know that's not possible so I try to control it but you can only do so much.

Because of my anxiety these are few things that I have constantly thought while I was in different relationships.

Nothing that they say to you is real.

This is my biggest fear and my anxiety plays with it. I do question the person I'm with because I'm worried it's the truth. I try to believe the opposite as much as possible, sometimes I can't help it.. I let my anxiety get the best of me.

You screwing things up.

Well.. this one gets me a lot too. I believe this more than I probably should. It causes me to cry especially because I want so much for something in my life to work out. But because of this being on my mind, I usually find a way to mess things up.

They never really want you.

Of course they don't.. I mean why would they?.. I overthink everything. Why would someone want a person like that? My anxiety likes to make sure I know someone wouldn't want to be with me either because of the way I look or the things I like.

Who are you kidding, of course they are using you.

Why wouldn't someone use me? I'm an easy target for it. My self-esteem isn't the greatest and though I will question what you say to me is true.. I'm still stupid enough to believe it, even if I truly know its not true.

OK so they might not actually be using me.. But my mind doesn't stop me from believing that time and time again..

Things may seem OK but trust me they aren't or they won't be for long.

When things are going good in my mind, there's always that little voice that tells me it won't last long. Something always finds a way to happen that cause me to breakdown.

Even though I try again and again to tell myself that things will be OK and that I'm OK and the relationship is OK, I have that little voice telling me something is going to happen like I'm going to mess something up or everything isn't as it seems to be.

Are you sure they love you?

When someone first tells me they love me, I do question it. Because really, how do they know? Are they sure? I want them to be sure before they say it because if I'm feeling it, I don't want it to become one sided. I also question why they would love someone like me.

They don't love you.

Even after sometime this thought still goes through my mind. Because sometimes its true, they don't. Other times, it's not so obvious and I get hurt. Or by the way they treat me, I can just tell. Even if I do get treated well, this thought goes through my head. Because why would someone like that love me?

And even with my current relationship I've had several of these thoughts. And it's hard to conquer but I've been trying my best. I have my moments where I break down and question all of my life choices and the moments of my relationship.

But currently I have someone who is accepting and understanding when I can't control what my anxiety is making me feel. He understands that I don't mean to question him but I just want to make sure I'm protected. He has helped me control it for the most part, but it can never be 100% under control. My thoughts have decreased as the relationship has gone on so there is a little hope with that, but until then, I still keep trying.

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