When I was in middle school, I felt the onset of symptoms for anxiety. At first, it was little things like checking that the door is actually locked, checking to make sure my debit card is still in my wallet, etc. This behavior jumped to extremes and I eventually found myself in a constant state of not eating at all, not drinking any water, not being able to focus for an extended period of time and always on edge with a high heart rate and trembling hands. This, very quickly, became a problem.
After the stresses of high school hit me all at once (my senior year), I also was diagnosed with clinical depression that turned into major depression. I never felt like myself and didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror at myself.
To this day, my anxiety and depression stick with me. I still find myself not liking what I see in my reflection, still double and triple checking that the door is locked and even making sure I put my debit card back into its spot in my wallet after getting gas. After my long journey with mental illnesses, I'm able to come up with 3 big things that I've learned over the years. I'm still learning things about these illnesses and how differently that they affect people, but here is what I can say up to this point.
1. Anxiety and/or depression come in waves.
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It's sort of like sustaining a permanent injury to the body. Even after treatment and rehabilitation, there's still pain. It just comes with breaks in between. The same type of thing applies to anxiety and depression. Some days, I'll wake up feeling super productive and like I can conquer my day. Other days, I don't want to leave my bed, don't want to interact with anyone and don't even want to pick up my phone. This lesson has taken me a while to learn, but because of the fact that I get these breaks in between my waves, I'm able to better troubleshoot how to resolve it in my head for when it does hit me.
2. You can't depend on anyone else for your happiness.
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As rude and blatant as that sounds, it's the honest truth. I tend to complain a lot about my body image and how I want to do better in school, do this and do that.
It's up to me to make those things happen or to resolve the problems. Period. This may not seem like an anxiety issue, but when there's constantly stuff going through my head such as these things, it's easier to look at it like so. If I want to make myself happier and smile more, then take action. It's what's going to ultimately help me and lessen my depressive states.
3. Medication is only half of it.
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A very common mistake that most newly diagnosed patients fall into making is believing that medication will be the cure for their anxiety or depression.
I cannot stress how inaccurate this is.
Medication helps to treat part of it, but psychotherapy is the other part of the treatment.
Understanding that lots of people can't afford this type of medical treatment, there are others that can be reached out to, like a free hotline to either call or text in tough times.
But proper psychiatric and therapeutic treatment is what will initialize the better habits and make living with the illness more bearable. I went into my first treatment phase thinking that medication was all that I needed. Not only did I stoop all the way down to rock bottom, but I had to jump to see 4-5 different licensed therapists and psychologists in order to get to the point that I'm at today.
Currently, I choose not to see a psychotherapist or psychologist about my anxiety or depression. I've found that talking about the things that give me anxiety makes my anxiety worse, so I've been taking a temporary break from seeing anyone professionally about this.
This doesn't mean, however, that this is the end of my journey.
As I continue to venture out into the never-ending vast land of mentality, I discover more and more about myself and about how to deal with and live with these things.
My quest is not over.
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