My Anxiety Attacks Do Not Have To Be Obvious To Exist

My Anxiety Attacks Do Not Have To Be Obvious To Exist

Just because you cannot see that someone is panicking does not mean that they aren't.
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One thing I should have never listened to when I was going through a time of figuring out my anxiety was everyone's opinions about not having apparent anxiety attacks. I was convinced that my anxiety was not a problem because I was not overtly freaking out in front of everyone 24/7. Now that I know myself more, my attacks happen more often than I like and are hardly ever obvious.

When I have anxiety attacks, I do not always become dizzy or have shortness of breath. My attacks are feelings of irritability, hypersensitivity, zoning out and becoming quiet. I try my best to control it but I never want to jump out of my skin more. For instance, someone I love and respect might be talking to me about something important to them and anxiety jumps in. I start apologizing for seeming uninterested, because that is not the case, and for being silent. Although they always seem to think I am fine, tell me not to worry, and keep on telling me their story, I just want to scream. Not because of the situation, but because anxiety is so restricting.

Anxiety takes a hold of my thoughts and throat, I cannot speak up or think straight. My anxiety attacks are paralyzing.

I can be sitting in class, grocery shopping, going on a date, hanging out with friends, or just being alone. When anxiety sets in, I do not want to be in my skin. I am irritated by everything around me and I want none of it to be what it is in that moment. I want it all to stop. Stop looking at me, stop talking, stop breathing, stop taking the form of what it currently is, and stop wanting more from me than I can give in that moment. I want to scream, "JUST STOP." I want everything around me to forget that I exist.

When this happens it is not obvious to anyone around me, but me. Someone might ask, "are you okay?" or "Is everything alright?" But yeah. How do you tell someone that you want to run away from yourself in that moment? Especially without them taking it personally. I get silent, irritable, and often hypersensitive for, what it looks like, no reason. I shut down and do not feel myself. For weeks on end, I feel a sense of depersonalization. During this period, I do not feel like I really exist but that I am trapped in my body. Before I realized that my attacks are silent, I was conditioning myself to think that my anxiety attacks were not real because they were not apparent, but they are real. They feel very real and very exhausting.

So, when someone you are close to tells you that they are having an anxiety attack, do not disregard it because it is not apparent to you. Sometimes those who are having an attack might not know they are having one. Often they might not feel like themselves and when you ask what is wrong, they tell you nothing or that they don't know because they truly might have no idea. We are conditioned to think that anxiety attacks have to be some outburst scene when in actuality, it does not always happen that way. Silent attacks are real and personal.


Cover Image Credit: Cassidy Kelly

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I'm A Woman And You Can't Convince Me Breastfeeding In Public Is OK In 2019

Sorry, not sorry.

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Lately, I have seen so many people going off on social media about how people shouldn't be upset with mothers breastfeeding in public. You know what? I disagree.

There's a huge difference between being modest while breastfeeding and just being straight up careless, trashy and disrespectful to those around you. Why don't you try popping out a boob without a baby attached to it and see how long it takes for you to get arrested for public indecency? Strange how that works, right?

So many people talking about it bring up the point of how we shouldn't "sexualize" breastfeeding and seeing a woman's breasts while doing so. Actually, all of these people are missing the point. It's not sexual, it's just purely immodest and disrespectful.

If you see a girl in a shirt cut too low, you call her a slut. If you see a celebrity post a nude photo, you call them immodest and a terrible role model. What makes you think that pulling out a breast in the middle of public is different, regardless of what you're doing with it?

If I'm eating in a restaurant, I would be disgusted if the person at the table next to me had their bare feet out while they were eating. It's just not appropriate. Neither is pulling out your breast for the entire general public to see.

Nobody asked you to put a blanket over your kid's head to feed them. Nobody asked you to go feed them in a dirty bathroom. But you don't need to basically be topless to feed your kid. Growing up, I watched my mom feed my younger siblings in public. She never shied away from it, but the way she did it was always tasteful and never drew attention. She would cover herself up while doing it. She would make sure that nothing inappropriate could be seen. She was lowkey about it.

Mindblowing, right? Wait, you can actually breastfeed in public and not have to show everyone what you're doing? What a revolutionary idea!

There is nothing wrong with feeding your baby. It's something you need to do, it's a part of life. But there is definitely something wrong with thinking it's fine to expose yourself to the entire world while doing it. Nobody wants to see it. Nobody cares if you're feeding your kid. Nobody cares if you're trying to make some sort of weird "feminist" statement by showing them your boobs.

Cover up. Be modest. Be mindful. Be respectful. Don't want to see my boobs? Good, I don't want to see yours either. Hard to believe, I know.

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As A Victim Of Sexual Abuse, Painting '#MeToo' On A WWII Statue Is Taking The Movement TOO Far

There is a line you should never cross and that is it.

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The famous picture of the sailor kissing a woman was taken right on V-J Day, when Japan surrendered to the U.S. in World War II. For decades it was seen as a representation of how excited and relieved everyone was at the end of the war.

The picture touched the hearts of thousands as you could feel the overwhelming amounts of joy that came from the snap of the camera. While the woman in the picture died back in 2016 due to a struggle with pneumonia, the sailor just recently died on Feb. 17, 2019 at the age of 95.

Most people saw it as both a heartbreak and heartwarming that the couple that was once photographed were now together.

Other people saw differently.

There is a statue made of the picture that resides in Sarasota, Florida. Police found early Tuesday morning of Feb. 19, two days after the sailor's death, that someone had spray-painted #MeToo on the statue's leg in bright red.

As a woman, I strongly encourage those who have been sexually assaulted/abused in any way shape or form, to voice themselves in the best way they can. To have the opportunity to voice what they went through without being afraid. As a woman who has also been a victim of sexual assault and has been quiet for many years...

This act of vandalism makes me sick.

While the woman that was kissed by the sailor was purely kissed on impulse, she had stated in an interview with 'The New York Times' that, "It wasn't a romantic event. It was just an event of 'thank God the war is over.'"

People were celebrating and, as a sailor, that man was so over the moon about the war being over that he found the nearest woman to celebrate with.

While I don't condone that situation, I understand both the reason behind it as well as the meaning behind the photo. I understand that, while it wasn't an intended kiss, it was a way of showcasing relief. To stick #MeToo on a statue of a representation of freedom is not the right way to bring awareness of sexual abuse.

It gives those the wrong idea of why the #MeToo movement was started. It started as a way for victims of sexual abuse to share their stories. To share with the world that they are not alone.

It helped me realize I wasn't alone.

But the movement, soon after it started, became a fad that turned wrong. People were using it in the wrong context and started using it negatively instead of as an outlet for women and men to share their horrific experiences of sexual assault.

That statue has been up for years. To wait until the sailor passed away was not only rude but entirely disrespectful. The family of that sailor is currently in mourning. On top of it, it's taking away from the meaning behind the photo/statue. World War II was one of the darkest, scariest events in — not just our American history — but the world's as well.

Sexual abuse is a touchy matter, I encourage everyone to stand up for what's right. But to vandalize a statue of one of the most relieving days in America's history is an act that was unnecessary and doesn't get the point of #MeToo across in the way it should. If anything, it's giving people a reason not to listen. To protest and bring attention to something, you want to gather the right attention.

This was not gathering the right attention.

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