Yes, I Have Anxiety, And Yes, I Have Depression

Yes, I Have Anxiety, And Yes, I Have Depression

Miley said it best, "It's always going to be an uphill battle."

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Every day I wake up to a briskly drafted sunroom full of light. In the summers, it used to make me smile, but as the months grew colder, my smile seemed to dissipate with the warmth. I used to never be a grumpy cat in the mornings, but it's become easier and easier to fit into that new role, on behalf of my newly found companions, anxiety and depression.

Wow, did I just admit that? Out loud?

The second semester of my sophomore year in college hit me like a wrecking ball. I played field hockey for the school, I had great friends, and life seemed okay. I had taken on nine classes, equaling 17 credits, with days as long as 6 A.M. to 9 P.M. most days out of the week. Academically, I was in for a firestorm of material I didn't believe I would ever be able to pass.

On top of having such a heavy workload, I was required to be at Spring season workouts, practices, and whatever else we had on our agenda as a team. I had spoken to my coach about my situation, and she, of course, understood the circumstances that I had been dealing with and agreed, classes came first. Some of my teammates just couldn't understand my absence and took it for skipping rather than class.

It all started to become a lot. I was trying to please my parents, my coaches, my teachers, my teammates, even myself; and I couldn't do it anymore.

I remember calling my mom in a complete frenzy of panting and crying all while trying to get my point across of, "Hey, I'm losing my mind." I remember her telling me to calm down, and she had called my coach asking for her to call me in, sit me down, talk some sense, but my coach did something even better. She did sit me down, but we just talked about anything and everything.

I remember her telling me pieces of her life, and things that she had gone through, and I remember just opening up and telling her pieces of my life, and what I had gone through. She asked me if I'd be willing to take a test online, and I agreed on the kind of knowing what it might be, but not really knowing. We switched seats, and I took the test.

More and more, I found myself agreeing with so many of the questions that, by the end of the test, I had a more clear understanding of why I had been feeling the way I'd been feeling. These attacks I'm having are anxiety attacks. I was relieved, yet at the same time, I was so scared. I had heard so much about mental illness, but I never thought that I myself personally would suffer from it.

While the talk with my coach had saved my life at the time, I had bigger problems now that I didn't want to face.

On my campus, I lived in an apartment building where your personal room had a lock pad. None of my roommates knew my passcode, and it made hiding away from the idea of my classes, people, my friends, and life a cakewalk. My anxiety soon turned into crippling depression, and my mom finally found herself taking her 21-year-old daughter to face her demons.

I was at a point in my life where I had no control, and I was a mess. I was given medication, and I was asked to forget and rebuild, by myself. I needed to find a way to build myself back together, and I never wanted to be the person that needed a pill to do it, but I realize it's more than that.

While I still try to ignore all traces of these monsters because that is what they are to me: monsters. I find myself carrying their weight with me everywhere I go. It's a constant feeling of fear, paranoia, anxiousness, nauseousness, and crying. A lot of crying. It's never easy, and every little accomplishment feels like it deserves every bit of award.

For me, when it comes to depression and anxiety you always feel alone, but you're not. My friends and family may not know exactly what I'm going through. I wish they did; it would make explanations a little easier, but ultimately they don't. But my heart is so full of gratitude to have people around me that are always constantly willing to hear every ounce of madness in my mind.

My moods can swing from so cold, all the way to too hot, and somehow my friends, my boyfriend, and my family still find ways to navigate through them all. The people in my life really make me question what I did to deserve them, but maybe they just love me for me.

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Goodbye To The Boy Who Sexually Assaulted Me, You Can Never Hurt Me Again

In 30 minutes you turned my life around.

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*Content Warning: Sexual Assault*

You destroyed me.

You took away my innocence.

You were able to take away my dreams and aspirations.

You were able to shut me down in ways I didn't know to be possible.

In 30 minutes you turned my life around.

Broken trust, that is what you left me with. A broken sense of stability and love. Sometimes I sit and wonder why you thought it was okay to take advantage of me? Why it was okay to hit, and belittle me? You had me left feeling foreign to my own body.

But then I realize it is not my fault, it is yours. This is not a cry for help or an avenue to get attention this is me raising awareness that not only did you hurt me but others are experiencing the same thing you put me through.

My innocence was taken by you without consent. I sat in my room for hours after that night thinking of ways to end the life I was given. I spent countless nights waking up screaming with tears rushing down my face. I spent the majority of my future relationships scared of ever letting myself feel again. I was forced to take avenues of help like therapy appointments and trying different depression medicines. All of this resulted from the 30 minutes you could not control yourself.

Yes, you destroyed me. But now I'm stronger than ever, you will never be able to hurt me again.

With all of the pain and endless nights of contemplating my reason to live, I found strength, I found a way to share my voice and help others experiencing this pain. I am stronger now than I ever thought possible.

I wake up every day now appreciating the things in life that matter most to me, like the love my boyfriend has for me, the amazing family I am blessed with, and the amazing friends that helped me through this experience. I have learned that fighting for my life was worth it and I was not going to let you take that away from me.

I will not stop sharing my story, I have learned that sharing my experiences of sexual assault has let others feel less alone in the scary process that you, unfortunately, put me through. What you did to me was not okay. But through this, I have understood and realized my worth in this crazy rollercoaster we call life.

I found strength in the moments you made me the weakest, and I'm no longer looking back.

I have hope that other survivors will understand that their life is just as valuable. There is a bigger fight for happiness and finding it is not always the easiest but the journey getting there is worth it.

You ARE strong.

You ARE worth it.

It's NOT your fault.

You're NOT alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

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Well, Here I Am Again Writing An Article At 2 AM Because My Anxiety Is Not Letting Me Sleep

My anxious thoughts late at night are horrible.

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Life is crazy and rough and sometimes sucks. My anxiety has been at its worst this semester, and if I'm being honest - it's driving me insane. I have lost sleep because of it. I have missed classes because of it. I have skipped out on being around friends because of it. The last one is the one that always confuses me, though. I'm at my happiest when I'm around people. I love it, but lately, there have been multiple days where I would rather curl up in a ball and cry.

I struggle to breathe. I struggle to keep up with life. I have all of these thoughts racing through my head. One after the other, trying to see which one will be victorious. However, all of them are victorious because they all have me wide awake. I haven't had a decent night of sleep in a while. At this point, I could probably say its been almost a year since I slept well.

It's yet another night. 2 a.m. and I'm wide awake, crippling with thoughts I want out of my head.

It's constant. It never really stops. I can hear it early in the morning, as I eat my lunch when I'm walking to class, and especially late at night. Right now, the thought screaming the loudest is "No one likes you. That's why you're here and not there." I know it's not true.

My anxious thoughts late at night are horrible. I hate them. They irritate me. They keep me up all hours of the night. I toss and turn for hours on end wishing for all of these anxious thoughts to end. I think about things from years ago. I think about things from yesterday. These things never seem to end.

My anxiety has been horrible lately. I haven't been able to get a proper night's sleep in months. I've averaged 3-4 hours a night. I hate it. My mind won't turn off. The racing thoughts never seem to end. I am sick of it. I want to get out of this, but I just can't. Why is this happening?

I have not been able to breathe properly in weeks. I have to physically stop, breathe in deeply, and practically yawn to catch my breath. Why? Why is this happening? I hate it. I'm so stressed from life. This needs to stop.

My body is weak. My mind is no longer concentrating. I want to run away from all of this, but I know that is not how I should handle it. This needs to end. My days can no longer be filled with hopes of a class being canceled or pretending like it is so I don't have to go.

Anxiety has overtaken my life, and I am sick of it. I am ready for it to leave. It won't though. It will continue to reside in my body. I hate it. I can't breathe. I want to cry, but I just can't. I'm sick of this. Anxiety can f*ck off because it has no business taking control of my life.

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