Just Another Dysfunctional Thanksgiving
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Just Another Dysfunctional Thanksgiving

Turkey or no turkey, if these things don't happen, it wasn’t really Thanksgiving at all

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Just Another Dysfunctional Thanksgiving
Festival Collection

Hearkening back to one of my earliest submissions, I set out to tinker with some Thanksgiving humor. What exactly would I talk about? Why not a play-by-play delineation of how the day will likely progress? It's probably not so different from anyone else's, but with a bit of my flavor, maybe I can make you chuckle.

So, where to start? Let's start at the beginning, which means minutes after waking up:

America's Thanksgiving Parade will on the boob tube from start to finish

Doesn't matter if it's actually viewed, the Detroit-based Thanksgiving parade will be displayed on the television. Challenge this and we're gonna have words, and by "words" I really mean "fight."

Cook something I (hopefully) prepped the day before

Let's be clear, I'm no slouch in the kitchen. In fact, I have a batch of Army buddies that can attest to my culinary ability. It doesn't hurt, however, to have things prepared the night before, for several reasons, too. One, I just want to be lazy as all get out. Two, there's a very real possibility that I'm...

...Nursing an unpleasant hangover

Not always, but I've friends from every corner of the world converge onto our shared hometown looking to throw down and by the gods, I will throw down with them. Yes, I will throw down and then I'll hate myself the next day when I should be able to relax and enjoy the day.

Contemplate wearing stretchy pants knowing full well I won’t

In the same vein of putting on a presentable face, I eschew the comfortable leg prisons for something a bit more presentable. If I really had my way, I wouldn't wear any pants, but family propriety and cold weather keep my ass warmly clad.

Mingle with family that I both love and hate with the passion of a thousand suns

Yes, I love them, but they drive me up the wall, too.

Act like a gave a shit about professional football

It's not that I hate football. In fact, I rather enjoy a good NCAA football game, that's neither here nor there. My brother in laws and nephews crave whatever game is playing.

Take a nap (because I really don’t give a shit)

Contributing factors to my abrupt day nap include, but are not limited to, boredom from the ball game, excessive hors devours consumption, or even aforementioned hangover. Whatever the case, I need it.

Consume more food in a single meal than some developing countries do in a day

What do we say to the God of Regrets? Not today.

Experience a family fight or at least some passive aggressivism

Yeah, I really don't want to dwell on this one too much. We've had a few incidents over the years. Four older sisters, and that's all I'm gonna say about that. Love 'em to death, but I might be dead if they read this.

Peruse the Black Friday Ads

This is a longstanding tradition, but in recent years I've stopped shopping anywhere that has a brick 'n' mortar store that opens at any point on Thanksgiving.

Play bingo

This family tradition caters more to the youngsters of our clan, but playing a few games of bingo is still worth it. Prizes range from adult-oriented to child-oriented, so there's a little something for everyone. Why not score some Sour Patch Kids while avoiding more football.

Consume more food (don’t judge me like you know me)

Quitting is for losers.

Rocky goes the distance (and maybe even wins)

Not sure when I started watching Rocky (and often its equally awesome sequel), but this is just a thing I enjoy doing. Rocky and Thanksgiving go together like peanut butter and jelly; like donuts and diabetes; like...

Crawl into bed after a long day of senselessly gorging

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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