When rebellious fingernails try to escape me

If there's one sure sign my body's trying to say that it hates me, it's probably when all of my fingernails jump as far away from me as possible when I'm trying to cut them. Honestly, I think it's a bit ungrateful. I've read 100s of times that I should "listen to my body" from those spiritual health blogs, but gosh-dang-it, they should be listening to me! I let them grow on my hand for two weeks, and this is how they repay me? By frolicking off into the distance?

Not to mention how talented they are at making you miserable. PBS could literally create a documentary about the aerodynamics of flying fingernails. After these little monsters fly halfway across the room and land on your carpet, they use their impressive camouflage skills to make you spend 30 minutes trying to find them on the ground. And after you give up, they deal one final act of revenge by stabbing you in the foot two months later when you manage to step on them. Fingernails are nasty little demons. They have minds of their own, and they're coming for you.

When teachers say they have something "exciting," and it's more homework

I always get so hyped up and excited when teachers say they have a "surprise" or "something fun." I don't know how I haven't figured out that...

a. they're lying and

b. school is never fun

But I always end up falling for their cruel jokes. Although I don't blame them. Since it's a teacher's job to make students miserable, they might as well have fun doing it. I'm sure if I were a teacher, I'd love to see the disappointed, crestfallen faces of all 30 of my students.

When someone uses the word "latter"

Seriously, why do people use the word latter? I don't get it, and I don't think half the population does either. Unless you want me to do a mental math equation in my head, don't include the word latter in your normal, English vocabulary. If someone told me to push a button on the right to stop the onset of a nuclear missile attack with my choices being a green and a blue button, the latter being on my right, I think I'd end up nuking the entire United States.

But since I don't know how to use the word latter, I'm not even sure my example makes sense. Maybe I'm just dumb. Plus, I suck at mental math. I once said nine plus four is 17.

Along the same lines, when people use "half-past" or "quarter 'til"

For a person who can barely even read a normal analog clock, someone who has the audacity to say "half-past-seven" is basically talking in gibberish. Maybe the people who actually understand these phrases have some kind of secret society where they learn these codes to sound superior to the rest of us peasants. I have no idea what "quarter 'til five" even means. I've missed so many deadlines because I can't understand people who say that.

At least with "latter," I had a vague idea of what it meant. The blue button would be the one on my right. Right?

When drinks are too hot

I swear, hot drinks are the bane of my existence. I know I've been complaining about them ever since I was in the womb, but I can't get over how dangerous they are.

I think the price you have to pay for drinking warm beverages in the winter is a mouthful of burns and pure fire. I don't know how people drink warm coffee, but I think they're all screaming internally behind their cool, indifferent facade. The rest of us are still learning how to train ourselves to disguise our pain. If we could all express what we really felt while drinking hot teas and coffees, Starbucks would be full of wailing people desperately flailing around in their agony.

When automatic toilets are dangerously dysfunctional

I'm sure someone in the 1900s once said, "Some day in the future, we'll have amazing toilets!" Well, flash forward to 2018. It's been 118 years since, and automatic toilets still can't wait for me to finish doing my business before flushing and scaring the crap out of me (pun intended). The supposed toilet of the future, the prized invention of the century, still needs a lot of improvement. They're scarily inconsistent, either flushing too early, too late or not at all.

When people can't swear properly

I normally don't consider myself a person who cusses that much not because I'm a better or more pious person but basically because I'm too scared that I can't swear correctly. I think there's an art to fitting profanities into everyday sentences and making it sound natural that I, along with many other people, haven't mastered. Thus, whenever I overhear people swearing incorrectly behind me, I always feel a humongous amount of secondhand embarrassment for them. I usually think, "Bless their heart" or "They're probably going to regret that later."

I just think there's only so many F-bombs a person can drop in a sentence without making themselves seem like an idiot. For example, "I just failed the f*cking AP exam," is a proper use of an expletive. However, "I f*cking just f*cking failed the f*cking AP test," just sounds plain stupid. I think we all need to study our swearing from time to time. Or at least sound less idiotic.