Sunday morning when the sun is teasing me through the partially slanted blinds.
Monday morning when the rain is dancing and sliding against the window pain.
Tuesday morning when the wind is a soft breeze and all I can do is close my eyes and wish to dance in the softness of the world forever.
This is when I feel the difference between who I am and who I want to be.
Weeks spent stressing over summer classes.
Days spent learning lessons on the History of Vietnam.
Hours spent breaking pencil lead.
Minutes spent pulling my hair and crumpling formula imprinted paper.
Seconds closing my eyes to imagine a world without pain.
This is when I am reminded that healing is a sacrifice.
Temptations lure in the cracks of every study room corner.
Windows offer a mental escape while the door behind me offers a physical one.
If every day I did not remind myself of the purpose of my pain, nothing would be in between me and giving up.
I do not study for University Admiration
I do not run for Gold Medals
I do not sing for the world
I do not breathe for myself.
Because if every worldly applause was taken away, where would my motivation lie?
Because if I chased after people and things with selfish desire, wouldn't I be chasing myself into a bottomless pit of unattainable joy?
It is in these oxymorons of life that I understand that the purpose of my pain is to allow myself to feel for the people who have nothing.
The man who lost his legs fighting a lost war in Vietnam
The child who was diagnosed with disease that stops the blood flow to her legs
The old woman who sold her legs to buy food for her only son, and has lived her entire life bound to a wheelchair.
I run for them.
The people who are Incapable of moving
The people who are incapable of loving
The people who are incapable of learning
I live for them.
In the end, we are the lives we saved. We are the souls we touched. We are not ourselves.
In the weakness of the world surrounding me, I see that I don't need to find myself to be happy.
It isn't necessary to waste time dreaming of traveling the world. You can travel your own house, you can travel your own city and state, and the whole universe just by healing the people within your gates.