Mom, as the holiday season reaches its peak, know that you are always with me. No matter how many days, weeks, or months that have past, I still cannot go a single minute without thinking of you. The holidays make it especially difficult for me to not have you in my presence. Each day that celebrates family, joy, and love seems so foreign to me now. However, I will never stop making a spot for you each day that you are not with me.

On every Christmas Eve, I will make sure to have our traditional pepperoni and cheese for a snack. I will make sure that your grandmother’s plates are being used. I will make sure that I wear matching pajamas when I go to sleep that Santa got for me. I will make sure that I wrap the presents at four a.m. like you did. I hope that my kids will ignore it just like I did.

On every Christmas, there will be a plate set for you. Filled with your favorite foods; you would have loved the meal I prepared. I will make sure that the turkey is seasoned how you like, and the green bean casserole has extra crunchy onions on the top. I will make sure that I do not make a mess in the kitchen, and the dishes are done before I go to bed. I will make sure that the dog has her holiday treat of peanut butter, and that the cats do not drink too much water from the tree holder.

On every New Year’s Eve, there will be a party hat sitting on the table for you. As I watch "New Year’s Rockin’ Eve," I will remember all the years I watched it with you. I remember the year that the "Backstreet Boys" and "New Kids on the Block" performed together; you and I were completely enamored. I will remember watching all the fireworks. All the countdowns I will be doing without you make ringing in the new year especially hard.

On every New Year’s Day, I will try to be happy for you. This will probably be one of the harder days with you not here. All the “new year, new me” bullshit that goes on. People seldom realize that becoming a new person is not always good. I would kill to be the person I was before I lost my mom. Every day, no matter if it is the holidays or not, I wonder if you can see me here. Can you see the cars in the street and the shows that are on the television? Can you see the constant pain I am in without you here? Do you enjoy the holidays up there?

The holidays are not always jolly for those who have experienced a tremendous loss. Each day is a struggle for us. The holiday season is the hardest reminder that the people who made us the happiest are the ones who are no longer with us.