The whole issue with mental disorders is that you cannot see them. When you have a fever, you can see the rising internal temperature from a thermometer. When you break a bone, an x-ray can clearly show the fractured body. If you have a mental illness, you cannot see it. It is practically invisible, but it has the power to consume lives.

My first introduction into the world of mental illness was when my family discovered that my eldest sibling had bipolar disorder. From the beginning, we knew that my brother was different from me and my other sibling. My eldest brother had little control over his emotions. One minute he would be laughing, and he would even let me do his hair. Other times, he would go on short and terrifying rampages. He would punch holes in the walls, break things everywhere in the house. He even got physical with me, my other brother, and my mom. He was not steady. People told my mom that he was just a rebellious teen and that he would grow out of it. He never did. After medication, we saw a drastic difference. However, he still has breakdowns because mental disorders are not just a simple fix.

My second introduction into mental illness was when my grief over the passing of my mom began to take over my life. Each night, I would think about how my CPR did not save her. My yelling did not wake her up. My shaking did not alert her. My mom passed away nine months ago, but the incident feels like it happened nine days ago. I acted like nothing happened the first few weeks. Pretending like my trigger never happened was better than me accepting what is my life. Later, I stopped talking to my friends. I felt like a shell. I was moving through life, but I was not living it. That is what depression has the power to do-- take the drive from your life.

Depression comes and goes like a common cold. Some days, I wake up feeling as happy as I could ever be. Other mornings, I wake up, realize what my life is, and a sea of mental anguish runs through my brain. Some days I feel like no one likes me. I feel as though I am a burden on everyone I talk to. This was not the normal me I grew up with. It is not the ambitious teen who worked passionately on everything she did. I was a person who stumbled through life. Someone who dealt with constant harassment from her family members. They tell me to do this and do that, but seldom realize that it is hard for me to just get out of bed in the morning.

People tell me ‘just be happy.’ Yes, um, you would think I would have tried that already if it worked. Depression and other mental illnesses cannot be treated like a cold or the flu. It takes years for someone with depression to feel ‘happy,’ and even then, they have breakdowns. An aspirin cannot get rid of the pain one feels inside of their own mind. A cast cannot bend a broken brain.

Then, there are the people who believe that mental disorders are just ‘in your head.’ This is true. Mental disorders are formed in the head of its inhabitant. The disorder raves on in the person’s life, destroying it piece by piece. Even though people cannot see the pain and anguish that goes on in a person’s brain does not make it less real. My brother’s constant fight between depression and anger is real to him. The voices inside someone’s head are real to them. The visions a soldier has of war after coming back home is real to them.

My nightmares are real. My constant guilt is real. My invisible illness is real.

Mental disorders are real.

If you are suffering from mental illness, do not be afraid to seek help. The stigma on counseling and therapy is complete bullshit. Someone needs to know what is going on in your head. Get help, and try to work with your brain. You do not have to stay broken. You can mend your scars, or, at least, learn how to thrive with them.

Also, do not be afraid to seek different outlets for your anger or sadness. I personally felt comfort in listening to My Chemical Romance. Their passion for seeing a difference in the world and their common motif of death gave me a strange comfort. Do not be afraid to discover a new you who likes "emo" music, or do not be afraid to like different activities. Make these new hobbies and obsessions a healthy outlet from the struggle between your brain and illness.

Lastly, I would like to say that I am sorry that you are going through whatever you are going through. There are people out there who care about you. I am one of them. If you would like to talk to me, please feel free to email me at kelseyfiandercarr@gmail.com. I love you.