For a really personal topic like this, I tend to think about why I can't stand certain things. With that being said, I cannot stand the moments when I am completely invisible. I am there for specific moments, but I feel like screaming half the time. Why do I tend to interrupt half the time, when I want to be a part of a conversation? Why do I always escape to my room when I do not even feel involved at the table? Why do I also tend to make excuses that make perfect sense to me when it makes no sense to anybody else? All of this, and many more reasons, is because I feel invisible a majority of the time. I do not like specific things because of the depressing feeling of being invisible to everyone around me 95 percent of the time. Honestly, the only reason why I do not like to do a lot of what everyone does is because I do not feel like I am part of something whenever I am there. It takes so much spoons (analogy for energy) for me to become involved into something that eventually becomes meaningful.

I dread summer because of feeling like I am invisible. I always have to put in the extra effort if I want to see someone. Sometimes, I do not even make the effort because the thought of planning so far in advance is actually exhausting. This can easily be interpreted as giving up, but when you have multiple disabilities, making any effort can suck the energy out of you. Apart from the number of things that are usually done in the summer, the summer still feels like it is way too long, and the wait before actually doing something is truly an unbearable feeling. Having three months off is usually too much for people like myself, only because we are left with trying to find something to actually do. Having a week or two of freedom is actually okay, but not three months. There is also the reason of hardly getting invited to go anywhere; with that, because we choose not to try to make effort, everyone does not even make any effort to include us. Maybe I am being negative, but I've been hurt far too often because of feeling like I am invisible.

To all the people who can make me feel like I am invisible -- I have a long list of "do you realize" questions. I might as well list them here, but chances are you would only listen once, maybe twice, and move on with your life as if nothing is wrong. Despite how all of this may sound, or how you might interpret this, I want you to understand. I do not want to be known as someone pushing everything away, but as someone who wants to become a part of something that is meaningful.