To the boy who never really wanted me,
We had a flirtation, we entertained it for a little, and then we went our separate ways. We got back in touch and you filled my head with "what is" and "should haves". You knew me well enough to say all the right things to get me emotionally attached to you. But the thing was, you didn't care about me. I was just the person you kept in your back pocket.
I should start by apologizing to your girlfriend at the time. I knew she existed but instead I chose to believe the things you told me, that you didn't care about her, and that she didn't get you like I did. I chose to believe that you were going to end things with her, and then we could really work on making it work. You were a liar; she and I both deserved better, and I should have had more respect for your relationship. So again, to her, I'm so sorry.
Whenever you two would get in a fight, or things would be rocky, you knew my name showing up on your phone would get a rise out of her. She didn't know me, she knew the version of me you had painted for her, and in your careful wordsmithing you painted the portrait of someone she should be afraid of, but also someone who couldn't possibly fill the hole she would leave. That careful balance you kept made sure that my name would get the reaction of driving her back into your arms. And like I said before, we both deserved better.
You told me you saw a future with me, you had me believing that there was so much more to us than there ever was. And you got to know me well enough to show me that I was important to you. I'm not sure where the caring for me ended, and where the entertainment for you began, but when you could tell me if my eyes were open or closed when we talked on the phone I convinced myself you knew me better than anyone.
But the reality was, you knew my weaknesses, and you knew how to exploit them. This wasn't you getting to know me, this wasn't you caring about me, or even loving me like you claimed. This was you preying on my insecurities and using them to your own benefit. You flitted in and out of my life when you were bored or your ego needed stroking. You kept me on the back burner to ensure I'd be there waiting at all times, but you never had to commit to making sure I was sticking around.
The worst of it would come when you told me you wanted to be together, you talked about our future, changing college alliances depending on where our kids went, etc. And then days later you told me you didn't care about me and your girlfriend was the one. I was so foolish for constantly letting you back in, but even more foolish for thinking that someone as weak and indecisive as you would pick the harder choice of having to be with me.
I can't pretend I didn't really and truly love you, I can't pretend I don't think of you sometimes, and we both know I still check up on your family because despite how you used them to make me fall for you, I will always love them, and appreciate the kindness they showed me.
Thank you for teaching me that indecision is a decision, that someone who really wants a future with you will prove it with their actions, not shower you with empty promises. Thank you for letting me know what kind of person to avoid, and thank you for never giving me the closure I needed, forcing me to accept an apology I will never receive and helping me work on my patience and forgiveness.
I will never forget you, I can promise that. I will never make the mistake of letting anyone treat me like you did, and I will never let someone treat me like I'm expendable, because the pain of having you repeatedly show me I wasn't enough for you was the best deterrent.
I have finally decided to let you go, to let go of the hope that you'll turn around and realize I was the one that got away. I am finally letting go of the fantasy of a life together, of a kingdom built together with love, trust, and respect. What you and I had was like a phone without service, just games.
I hope you find the woman who makes you want to settle down and focus on just her. A woman who you love so thoroughly and entirely that you don't need to entertain someone else when you get bored. I hope that this woman loves you as much as I did, and I hope she smiles and rolls her eyes the same way I did when you were acting silly. I hope that you find what it is you're searching for and become whole. I just hope you don't have to break anyone else to do it.
Sincerely,
The girl who was never going to be chosen