An Open Letter To Sexy Waiters

An Open Letter To Sexy Waiters

I can't order my food when you look like that.


Dear Sexy Waiters,

It’s really hard for me to order my food when you look like that. So please stop. Being my shy self, it has taken me years to master the art of casual communication. Ordering lunch or a coffee or whatever used to terrify me because it meant I had to speak above a whisper. And after years of practice, I can usually make my voice audible. But then you have to show up with your perfect face, somehow looking incredible in the uniform that makes everyone else look terrible, and you set me back like six years. It’s really inconsiderate of you.

Your sexiness also hurts my wallet. Normally, I try to tip well because I get that being a waiter or waitress sucks a lot. So even if you looked like… I don’t know… a normal person, you’d still get tipped well. But since you’re basically a god, I feel like my usual 20% isn’t worthy. And it’s not like lunch wasn’t already more than I wanted to pay. It’s not like I was going to spend that extra tip money on other stuff I don’t need. So I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop robbing me.

That charming smile of yours also decreases the enjoyment of my food because I’m so focused on when you’re going to come back to check on us. I feel like I have to choke down whatever is currently in my mouth whenever you walk over because God forbid you to see me with my mouth full. Or I say yes to another refill when I really don’t need it or want it because I do want you to come back to the table a second time. Or I feel compelled to order a salad so that I don’t look like a pig. I mean I still end up ordering the burger and fries but I’m at least self-conscious about it. And my self-consciousness is your fault! When I get lunch with my friends, I would like to be focused on my friends and my food, but I’m so focused on your comings and goings that half the time I don’t know what I’m putting in my mouth. So you either need to be less attractive or you need to sit down and eat with us.

You also need to stop being so nice to me. It totally throws me off because when I see how gorgeous you are, I tell myself that there must be some flaw in you. I tell myself that maybe you’re a slob, or you smell, or you’re a complete jerk. But you show up in your crisp, clean uniform, with the best cologne, and you’re perfectly pleasant. And then I let myself think that you’re being nice to me because I’m special or something and maybe you like me. Then, I remember that that’s how you get better tips. And so you continue to rob my wallet and you make me feel like I could compare to you for even a second which we both know is utterly untrue. So stop deceiving me.

So to all the sexy waiters out there. Just stop it. Stop it right now. It’ll be better for both of us if you just don’t look like that.


Your Cute Customer

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Politics and Activism

4 Ways The Plan To Deport International Students Is Dumb, According To An Exchange Student

The whole policy isn't very stay-in-place, if you ask me.

Wikimedia Commons

On Monday, July 6, new federal guidelines were announced that do not allow international students to remain in the U.S. unless they are taking classes in person. Which, if you ask me, is stupid.

Keep Reading... Show less

Naya Rivera Is Missing, And She Deserves SO Much More Than Being Labeled 'Big Sean's' Ex'

We are all sending prayers to Naya Rivera hoping she finds them so we can find her.

I woke up this morning looking to find Naya Rivera's name trending No. 1 on Twitter. I was reading all of everyone's prayers wishing to find her so she can be reunited with her baby boy who is only 4 years old.

Naya's son's name is Lord and the entire collective is hoping the Lord is with him right now. I'm a firm believer in the Fear of God, I hope all of Naya's love is protecting Lord right now.

Keep Reading... Show less

With the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic still surging in the United States, where we are averaging 50,000 cases daily, wearing a face mask has become even more important. Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation's top infectious disease expert, has stressed the importance of wearing a mask and is pleading Americans to take notice of the "disturbing" rise in cases. It would be common sense to listen to him, considering we are dealing with a virus that has a mortality rate higher than what we have seen with other viruses.

Keep Reading... Show less

10 Sex Toys You NEED To Turn Up The Heat This Summer

They say diamonds are a girl's best friend, but...

It's your fairy sex godmother back at it again and here to tell you that masturbating is an essential need, just like toilet paper.

It comes with so many benefits, besides cumming. According to the New York City Health Department, "you are your safest sex partner" during a pandemic, so why not use the best toys to get the job done? Shopping for the best fit can be tricky because there are a few factors to consider — whether it's the price point, experience, sound, and more.

Keep Reading... Show less

These 3 Smoothies Totally Cleared My Acne-Prone And Scarred Skin

How I drank my way to flawless skin.

With this summer being the first of its kind for most people to be in the midst of a global pandemic, almost everyone is beginning to have an overall focus on improving their health.

Keep Reading... Show less

Everyone remembers the first time they went to one of the Disney parks. Spinning in teacups and having Goofy wrap his arms around my 8-year-old self were some of my fondest childhood memories, and I'm surely not alone in that.

Keep Reading... Show less

These Superfood Beauty Products Show Kale And Matcha Work For SO Much More Than We Thought

Just another summer's day with a cold glass of kombucha on my face.

I've been vegan for about six years now, so a love for fresh vegetables and superfoods has now become a core part of my being. Don't get me wrong. I love my indulgent, creamy pastas and truffle fries more than anyone. But I keep most of my focus on eating clean and healthy so I can indulge guilt-free.

But I'd say about a large part of my diet has always, unknowingly, included superfoods. Being Indian, lentils, beetroot, garlic, ginger, and whole grains have been core essentials on the family dinner table since I could digest solid foods.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments