Dear Sexy Waiters,

It’s really hard for me to order my food when you look like that. So please stop. Being my shy self, it has taken me years to master the art of casual communication. Ordering lunch or a coffee or whatever used to terrify me because it meant I had to speak above a whisper. And after years of practice, I can usually make my voice audible. But then you have to show up with your perfect face, somehow looking incredible in the uniform that makes everyone else look terrible, and you set me back like six years. It’s really inconsiderate of you.

Your sexiness also hurts my wallet. Normally, I try to tip well because I get that being a waiter or waitress sucks a lot. So even if you looked like… I don’t know… a normal person, you’d still get tipped well. But since you’re basically a god, I feel like my usual 20% isn’t worthy. And it’s not like lunch wasn’t already more than I wanted to pay. It’s not like I was going to spend that extra tip money on other stuff I don’t need. So I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop robbing me.

That charming smile of yours also decreases the enjoyment of my food because I’m so focused on when you’re going to come back to check on us. I feel like I have to choke down whatever is currently in my mouth whenever you walk over because God forbid you to see me with my mouth full. Or I say yes to another refill when I really don’t need it or want it because I do want you to come back to the table a second time. Or I feel compelled to order a salad so that I don’t look like a pig. I mean I still end up ordering the burger and fries but I’m at least self-conscious about it. And my self-consciousness is your fault! When I get lunch with my friends, I would like to be focused on my friends and my food, but I’m so focused on your comings and goings that half the time I don’t know what I’m putting in my mouth. So you either need to be less attractive or you need to sit down and eat with us.

You also need to stop being so nice to me. It totally throws me off because when I see how gorgeous you are, I tell myself that there must be some flaw in you. I tell myself that maybe you’re a slob, or you smell, or you’re a complete jerk. But you show up in your crisp, clean uniform, with the best cologne, and you’re perfectly pleasant. And then I let myself think that you’re being nice to me because I’m special or something and maybe you like me. Then, I remember that that’s how you get better tips. And so you continue to rob my wallet and you make me feel like I could compare to you for even a second which we both know is utterly untrue. So stop deceiving me.

So to all the sexy waiters out there. Just stop it. Stop it right now. It’ll be better for both of us if you just don’t look like that.

Sincerely,

Your Cute Customer