Dear Tatyana of 5 years ago all the way to now,

Tatyana. Tatyana. Tatyana. Who are you now? Where has life taken you? Are you changed? Well. I guess you can just say you’re a little different in a way. You’re still you, you still have your strong views and thoughts on certain things, you still have a lot of the same interests as you always have, you still hold faith in God and the belief you’re here for a reason but you have grown a lot due to life’s changes; even from 5 years ago. You have stretched out a little, experienced more, learned more, strengthened more and simply have just developed more since you were sitting in your junior year of high school. At that point in your life, you had transferred from FDR to Spackenkill. You left your stone house on North Grand Avenue and moved in with your grandma after your grandpa passed away. You miss that stone house a lot, but you miss the memories and feelings it gave you more, even the negative ones like loneliness and heartache. You left your daily routine of seeing your best friend in the hall and in class of your old school, you watched her replace your friendship with a boyfriend and remember how you had your first brief boyfriend that year, a senior and still never replaced your best friend for him. Attending different schools only made the distance between the two of you worse. You spent many nights crying about it, writing poetry about it and wishing your friendship with her was the way it used to be even if that meant having fights and days of pretending not to know each other in the hall. At least you were speaking and seeing her but the phone calls became less frequent, the visits too. Connection was static and dial tones replaced laughter.

During your transition into a new school, you tried to make new friends but making friends with people who had their friend group already for years was nearly impossible and two years was hardly enough time to become close to anyone. Two proms and a break up with your second boyfriend happened and off to community college you went. Once again, you had to start over. You watched your friends pack up and go away to college as you stayed behind and lonely most nights in your room writing poetry about the past and how it haunts you. You worked at Burger King part time at night to make some cash and it was so mundane. You felt a stagnant sadness at this part of your life. You eventually quit Burger King and started working at Dunkin’ Donuts, you at this point now had your first college boyfriend, and he broke your heart so classically in six months. He was just another cliché bad boyfriend who only wanted one thing. You spent double the time you were even with him crying about how he broke your heart. Your best friend wasn’t there for you really but you made a new friend at Dunkin’, and well her golden soul changed your life for the best. The one time change was welcomed from you. You found a new love but another half year relationship down the drain.

The second to last semester at Dutchess came around and your mom told you she’s moving. You packed up your stuff from Forbus Street, had one last breakfast with her and she flew away like a bird to the Sunshine State. The very last semester at Dutchess rolled around and you visited your mom that summer and dated one more guy in that time but he was basically a summer fling because by September when you were falling deeper for him and told him you loved him and just started college at Mount Saint Mary, he was no longer yours, you realized he never really was. And what do you know? Another 6 month relationship, my specialty. At least it gave you more inspiration to write new poetry.

Another few months went by and you were working to get the best grades possible and making the best at this new school. You met some people and now you don’t know what you would do without them. Through sun and rain, they proved to you time means nothing when feeling close to someone. My “best” friend of 10 years knew less about me than these four girls and that fact changed you and you realized you were loved by them. Every time you wanted to say goodnight and not wake up, you thought of God, your friends and family and decided you’d wake up. You joined poetry club and for the first time ever, read out loud your heart’s words. All the emotions and thoughts you locked away, you finally expressed. Your grades were good enough so you were allowed to be entered into the Psi Chi Honor Society. You ended up finding yet again a new love. It’s almost been six months with him and you both are still completely happy, so just maybe you’ll finally break your bad luck streak and be together another six months. (God I hope longer though).

The negativity and depression still hangs around but you know you are blessed. You still feel lonely a lot and as if nobody really knows the true you but you’re more open than ever before. You are now at least trying to say what you are thinking more. Currently, you are writing this to yourself as you sit outside in the sun recognizing your self-growth. You look over to the flowers and realize how similar you are to them and smile. You understand that even flowers need dirt to grow and you think about how there are many more experiences you could talk about that also developed who you are right now but a letter is not enough space so you put down your pen and close your notebook. Just maybe you’ll write a book one day on it all but for now you reflect on those moments, memories and experiences and thank God for all of them.

Sincerely, Your Present Self